The Guysexual’s Guide to Every Gay Man’s Treasure Chest of One Liners

The Guysexual’s Guide to Every Gay Man’s Treasure Chest of One Liners

Gay men are a lot of things.

We might come in a variety of shapes and sizes, and have temperaments as diverse as the cast of Grey’s Anatomy, but it all boils down to one thing in the end — as homosexual men, we are a storehouse of corny one-liners, sassy quips and stereotypical jokes that’ll put all the Kardashian Sisters (even the new ones) to shame. Don’t believe me?

Well, whether you are a red-blooded activist who churns out slogans for breakfast, or a social butterfly who sleeps when it’s time to have breakfast, it’s a given that we’ve all been guilty of having said at least a few of these (often cringe worthy) well-worded gems:

1. ‘Wait, so I have to pay for Grindr Extra so that I get unlimited blocks?’
2. ‘I haven’t really done this before. You are my first.’
3. ‘Do you have that in a size Medium?’
4. ‘You are so pretty for a lesbian. No, no, I mean it in a nice way.’
5. ‘OMG! Can we be girlfriends, please?’
6. ‘I’m straight acting.’
7. ‘Will it hurt?‘
8. ‘What are you looking for on Grindr?’
9. ‘The shirt is fine, but the shoes have to go.’
10. ‘Oh please, just because I am gay doesn’t make me a slut!’
11. ‘Beyoncé is God. Please don’t try denying that.’
12. ‘This life is so tough, do you know how much I spend on my annual gym membership?’
13. ‘… and that’s the story of how I realised I was gay.’
14. ‘I’d had my heart broken before. Multiple times.’
15. ‘ He says he’s a top, but I have a strong feeling that he’s a power bottom.’
16. ‘Coming out is so liberating, man. You have to do it to understand how fulfilling it can be.’
17. ‘Do you stay by yourself?’
18. ‘Shush. You are killing my vibe.’
19. ‘Please don’t tell me you bareback?’
20. ‘What do you mean when you say ‘No fats, no femmes, no twinks’?'
21. ‘You aren’t really gay if you haven’t walked the Pride march.’
22. ‘He’s such a queen!’
23. ‘Promise me you’ll be gentle?’
24. ‘You didn’t hear it from me, okay?’
25. ‘I am not judging, but I think you could have done it differently.’
26. ‘If they ever remade Sex And The City, I am sure they’d pick me to play the lead. Sometimes, I feel like such a Carrie!’
27. ‘Do you have condoms? I ran out.’
28. ‘I feel like this isn’t going anywhere, and I am sick of waiting around for you.’
29. ‘Are you going to the gay party tonight? I don’t want to, I feel really ugly.’
30. ‘No seriously, when will I find the ‘One’?’
31. ‘Sometimes, when a man’s gotta do, a man’s gotta do…’
32. ‘I am not really ‘out’, out there, you know?’
33. ‘Stop hating on my people! Only I can do that.’
34. ‘Do you think neon green swimming trunks look too much?’
35. ‘I am not a party boy, I just like drinking on the weekends.’
36. ‘Are you serious you don’t know how to put it in?’
37. ‘Have you see the booty on that?’
38. ‘Wow! It’s that time of the month, is it?’
39. ‘I just think we should see how this goes.’
40. ‘I mean, you should see some of the other gay men that I know, they’d take offence at everything you’d say to them.’
41. ‘Are you a top or a bottom?’
42. ‘I just want a glass of wine to end this day. Even a bottle would do.’
43. ‘I don’t know what straight girls would do without us?’
44. ‘You should be on RuPaul’s Drag Race, you’d fit in just fine.’
45. ‘Ugh, I feel so bloated today!’
46. ‘That’s not blue, it’s teal.’
47. ‘Such a bitch.’
48. Eww, you don’t think all gay men are like that, are you?’
49. ‘I prefer my men sane and sorted, thanks!’
50. ‘He’s become so thin and skinny, I hate him!’
51. ‘I’ve decided to stop looking for love.’
52. ‘You are such a diva, boy!’
53. ‘Saying that all gay men like the colour pink is like saying that all gay men have AIDS!’
54. ‘SHUT UP!’
55. ‘I haven’t gone cruising for so long!’
56. ‘If I had a rupee for every time I was bullied back in school, I would be a really rich man today,’
57. ‘I wouldn’t know, I don’t know those many people from the community.’
58. ‘Ellen DeGeneres really speaks to me.’
59. ‘Stop, stop, STOP! IT HURTS!’
60. ‘Do I look fat in this shirt? Tell me I look fat in this shirt?’
61. ‘How dare he say that to me? Who does he think he is?’
62. ‘What’s the difference between MDMA and Meow Meow?’
63. ‘I don’t really have a type, but I want someone who’s smart, and charming and funny. And handsome. He needs to be handsome.’
64. ‘I can’t come on Wednesday, I have yoga classes the next morning,’
65. ‘No thanks, but I am not into the scene.’
66. ‘I can taste the calories on that.’
67. ‘I am so done with Grindr, I am going to delete it tomorrow.’
68. ‘What do you mean you don’t like oral sex? What do you do then?’
69. ‘He had me at 69,’

Illustration courtesy Siddha Kannur/Studio Klew

Aniruddha Mahale