The Guysexual's Guide to Conversation Starters Every Gay Man Should Avoid

Congratulations! You’ve done it. You’ve booked yourself a date (and a dinner table), spruced up your clothes (and your attitude), and shown up right on time. You are here, and hopefully, so is he. Now comes the difficult bit. You are faced with around two to four hours of unsupervised meandering — where you can either giggle nervously, nibble at your food or make light conversation about a collection of topics ranging from your pet cat, Ranbir Kapoor’s failed romances all the way to Korean diplomacy. Based on what you say (or don’t), you can either charm or harm your chances of getting another chance to woo your date. Do you want to keep it suave and simple (with the right smidgen of sexy), so that you get a call back the very next morning? Avoid talking about these five topics to begin with: Politics While witty banter is always a great way to make a good impression, you must know that awkward is just one opinion away from appealing. One minute you are exchanging ribald jokes about the government and before you know it, you are tearing at each other’s political ideologies (and hair), rather than tearing at each other’s clothes.  Whether you are Team Trump or raise a candle to Narendra Modi, vent out your anger on the comments thread of Arnab Goswami’s Republic. Remember, the _kurta-_wearing cutie might not be as Left-leaning as you think he is — stick to topics that you both feel positive about, such as Britney Spears’s Instagram feed or the benefits of going on a Keto diet. The weather Talking about the weather is so obvious, it would be a cliché to call it a cliché. But what do we do? Every once in a while, you’ll reach that dead end where you’ll try peppering up the pauses with anecdotes about how it’s too sunny for a Sunday. Don’t. Cherish these awkward silences instead, and think up a flirty compliment that can win you a free drink the next time (because there will be a next time). It’s best to keep the weather talk for the meteorological department or your mother’s second cousin — there’s no silver lining to that cloud. After all, no great love story ever began with the line ‘Isn’t the weather great today?’ Your exes This shouldn’t even be a point, but if it were not — we’d continue sabotaging any chances we have of true love, talking about failed relationships and giving out red flags as if they were red roses. Talking about the ex on the first date is a one-way ticket to never seeing the boy ever again. It speaks of insecurities and unresolved issues, and reeks of feelings that might not have necessarily ebbed away. Want yellow tape all around any mentions of your ex? Then make sure you don’t bring up any of the following: 1. Your ex’s name and other information 2. A 30-page letter on why it didn’t work out with him 3. A 250-page book on why you still might be in love with him 4. His parents’ bank account details However, if your date mentions one of his own exes out of turn (or reason), get your nearest friend on speed dial and fake heart burn. It’s going to save you from the heartache later. Your problems Want to impress that gorgeous boy sitting across you at the bar? Keep your problems, (work and otherwise) right where they belong: Away. While your turbulent relationship with the colleague who shares your cubicle might seem exceptionally relevant to you, it doesn’t make for such a great story to share over a bottle of Pinot Noir. This includes the heartwarming tale of how your Irritated Bowel Syndrome might finally be improving, or how you might have to give up your house on mortgage because you haven’t paid your bills for the past year. Instead, save these stories for just before you are buying wedding bands for each other. You As riveting as your life story can be, you aren’t on Oprah. While selling yourself on a date is not necessarily bad, if you do it enough to warrant movie rights and a three-book deal, you should probably stop. You might think you are irresistibly interesting, but do remember that everyone is after four large whiskey sours. What can you do instead? Listen.  Find out what he’s into. Ask him about his family or his favourite book. Talk about the movies. Talk about art. Talk about him. Keep the self-loving to a bare minimum, and your movie just might get a sequel. — Illustration courtesy Amrai Dua