The Guysexual Goes on Dates: 5 guys you will meet on Grindr

The Guysexual Goes on Dates: 5 guys you will meet on Grindr

In part one, read about the templates doing the rounds in the Indian gay dating scene

Every second love story begins on Grindr. What about everybody else?

They lie, and say they met at Starbucks. Wrongly spelled glasses of Frappuccino aside, Grindr is a haystack of men; only there’s no corresponding shiny needle to find. For every possible Prince Charming that you would chance upon, you’d find half a hundred dozen men you wish you had never met (side note: or said ‘Hi’ to; who meets anyone in person anymore?) At the end of the day, Grindr is what it is: A supermarket for gay men. But whether you are shopping for — turnips or torsos, you’d find some templates that just won't fade, like the hickey from last Christmas.

Here are five men you will see doing the rounds of Grindr everyday, while on gym breaks or lunch, or those lone moments in the loo when they (read: you) have nothing else to do:

1. The Not Pictured

Wait. Did someone switch off the lights? Not really. The Not Pictured prowls behind the template grey silhouette – hiding from friends and family — being what he likes to describe himself best as:

Discreet. Any conversation with the Not Pictured man is like a game of dodge ball — he swerves past your questions, while hitting you with his own.

Ouch, I am out.

Whether Mr Not Pictured is a secret agent or a serial killer, you would never know, because he would never tell you. His texts are ambiguous, just like your sexual history after a breakup.

Does that stop him from wanting to know all of your life’s minutest details including your credit card details and the size of your penis? Not really. Does he expect to do the same? Not really 2.0. His favourite question — ‘can you share a picture?’ And his favorite answer to the same question?

White noise. Hello, is anyone there?

2. The Six Pack Torso Guy

Ding ding ding. Time for a quick question. What has six-pack abs, an endearing bellybutton, muscular hands on toned hips, but no face?

That would be every third profile on Grindr. For most of it, Grindr can be described as an open buffet of men with beautiful bodies — it’s a mash-up of six-pack after six-pack, the individual contours of these men’s bodies creating a gelatinous mass of pixelated ‘Adonis-like’ beauty. The Torso is every gay man’s ‘wet-dream-come-true’ — a vision of perfection — only missing a head (side note: and the vapid expressions that go with it) and the ability to converse in anything more than a monosyllable. The mystery lies in the fact that you’ll never know what he looks like – Jason Statham or Jason Voorhees. A typical conversation with this cookie cutter version of God’s gift to mankind would go something like this:

Do you have a face picture? No. Do I stay alone? Yes. Would I want to exchange numbers? No. Can I have a detailed conversation about Existentialism or Quantum physics with a set of chiseled abs?

Well, I might have other things on my mind. Hello there, abs number one through six, you were saying?

3. The Masseur

Do I want a relaxing full-body massage with essential tree oils and organic balms, with a facial thrown in for free? Do I want a ripped professional to take care of my stress? Should I call on +91-massage-me-right-now?

Err, no sorry, but I’ll pass (but if you answered yes to any of those questions, I might know just the right people). Enough digression, the Masseur is a no-nonsense spambot, effortlessly copying and pasting promotional massage offers profile after profile, waiting till they strike gold, or the stress spot on the little of your back. The Masseur makes it his life’s purpose to rub away all your blues (extra charges for rubbing you the right way) and does not beat around the bush (pun intended) while at it.

Side note: If I want a massage (with thirteen different relaxing oils), I’ll make my way to the spa – but not because I want a happy ending. What about Grindr then?

Why-hello-cute-boy-I-haven’t-met-before, why don’t you muster up some courage and say Hi?

4. The Man Behind The Fake Picture

Is that a bird? Is that a plane? Is that Ranbir Kapoor I am talking to – ‘umm hello, how do you do, sir? I am a big fan’ — oh wait! It’s not. It’s just another man trying to pretend he’s just another superstar on Grindr. Sigh.

For every three men with genuine profiles, there’s a lone poser with a billboard-worthy face and a sparkling smile that unfortunately does not belong to him. The Man Behind The Fake Picture hides behind celebrity silhouettes, Internet quotes or the Google search result for ‘Hot Men, Indian’. But our master of disguise has no more cards up his sleeve. Barely three lines in a conversation with him, and the curtains fall – there’s no encore, just a single screen matinee that gets lost as if it were a blink-and-miss role. I blink, and wish that I had missed him. So when do I type out sweet nothings to Bollywood’s next heartthrob?


5. The Tourist

Suave, spiritual and always ready for an adventure (in your bed or otherwise) – that’s the Tourist. He’s either here on business or backpacking on the quintessential post-college India trip, living his own version of Meet.Play.Love. But that’s where the similarities with Julia Roberts end. Our friend from overseas isn’t here to find himself; he’s here to find you. How do you recognize the Tourist?

His profile name shows his country flag? Check.

His ‘About me’ says that he’s visiting? Check.

His profile picture has him grinning away with a drink (no soda, please) on an exotic beach? Check.

He says he’s interested in meeting locals to show him around and explore? Check and check.

Any liaison with him follows these three simple questions: Are you a local? Yes. Do you live near the airport? Great. Can I come over? Uh.

His thirst for vacation flings aside, The Tourist has only one motive: Collecting souvenirs that you can’t buy at the gift shop, and hopefully don’t have to show the doctor back home. Usually staying at a hotel close to the airport, The Tourist prefer drinks at the 24/7 bar in the lobby and desserts up in their room.

Now would you prefer being served with whipped cream or syrup?

Aniruddha Mahale