The Fifty Things To Not Say On A First Date in 2019

The Fifty Things To Not Say On A First Date in 2019

1. ‘You look thinner in your pictures. Are you sure that was you?'

2. ‘You don’t mind keeping this date a secret, do you? I wouldn’t want my boyfriend finding out that I look around when he’s not in town…’

3. ‘I might be emotionally damaged. Do I look emotionally damaged?’

4. ‘ You do know that every beer that you drink is equivalent to eating a loaf of bread, don’t you? Yes? And you still want to call for a pitcher?’

5. ‘Are you a doggie-style kind of boy? You look like you could be one.’

6. ‘…And that’s the story of how I got arrested, and had to be locked up for a day.’

7. ‘ Is it okay if I call my ex to join us for a drink? He’s totally cool!’

8. ‘I have a girlfriend.’

9. ‘I think I forgot my wallet at home, do you mind taking this one?’

10. ‘OMG. I know this boy who’d be perfect for you. You guys are so alike!’

11. ‘So that profile picture of yours from 2007 — where was it taken?’

12. ‘Is this a date? I thought we were just hanging out.’

13. ‘What’s your profile handle on Grindr?’

14. ‘Haha! Your ex-boyfriend was also my ex-boyfriend. Oh wait, you didn’t know that?’

15. ‘Are you really sure you want to eat that? Those carbs are three day’s worth of workout.’

16. ‘So the last time I was at this bar, my date and I got thrown out because they caught us making out in the washroom. Oh, but you don’t need to worry – I don’t think that’s happening again tonight…’

17. ‘You see that man sitting by himself there – the one with the beard and the broad shoulders? That’s the kind of guy I want to end up with.’

18. ‘I am very frank – sometimes I want sex four times a day…’

19. ‘My Grindr tells me there’s a guy thirty-three metres away, and he looks good enough to eat off a plate. Do you mind while I go use the rest-room for a bit?’

20. ‘I’ve never thought of myself as a commitment person – imagine spending your life with the same person for the rest of your life. No, thank you.’

21. ‘Haha…seriously, have you found anyone funnier than me?’

22. ‘That one time I was at a swinger’s party in Barcelona…’

23. ‘Okay, this is embarrassing, but what’s your name again?’

24. ‘I am getting married in May next year.’

25. ‘Let’s leave without paying? It always gives me an adrenaline rush!’

26. ‘I mean I do consider that I am feminist, but don’t you think that sometimes women….’

27. ‘Watch out! I think I am going to puk-'

28. ‘Okay, this might be embarrassing, but I actually wanted to ask your friend out, but I was wasted and accidentally took your number instead. Do you think you can, umm, give me his number?’

29. 'Have you ever wanted to kill someone just for fun?’

30. 'Well, I’ve been called a jerk more than once, but then again, it’s all a matter of perspective…’

31. 'What’s this whole deal with Black Lives Matter? Honestly, I think All Lives Matter!’

32. ‘I am not a people’s person. I’d rather just sit at home, all by myself. Know what I mean?’

33. ‘Hypothetically, if we get married, how many kids would you want? Would you be okay with Ibrahim as a potential name? No? You don’t like it?’

34. ‘Ugh. I hate old people. They should be banned.’

35. ‘I mean, Hitler might have been a dictator and all that, but let’s not forget all the great things he did…’

36. ‘Okay, can you keep a look out for the waiter? I want to swipe these gorgeous coasters…’

37. ‘Have you ever woken up and realised how many gorgeous men this world holds? And we’ve barely met any of them.’

38. ‘So last week, my best friend decided to set me up with that hot model from Fashion Week, but I told her I wanted a simple, average boy. Speaking of which…’

39. ‘Do you know where I can get some cocaine around here?’

40. ‘So why is #SmashBrahminicalPatriachy even a thing?’

41. ‘So I’ve been told I can’t have sex for twelve more days, the blisters should heal by then…’

42. ‘…So my son is only a couple of years younger than you are. I think he went to your school.’

43. ‘I think I might be falling in love with you.’

44. ‘So do you stay alone at home?’

45. ‘Do you mind if I use your phone? I have to tell my roommate that I’ll be home in fifteen minutes.’

46. ‘I think you look exactly like my brother.’

47. ‘Haha, so this guy I went out on a date with two days ago said that…’

48. 'I don’t think I am the kind of guy who’s looking for anything serious.’

49. ‘Honestly, I cheated on my ex. And the one before that. And the one before that.’

50. ‘So that girl in your profile picture. Is she single?’

—Illustration by Amrai Dua

Aniruddha Mahale