The Fifty Other Things Not To Say On A First Date in 2019

The Fifty Other Things Not To Say On A First Date in 2019

We’ve already gone through the top 50 things not to say out aloud on a first date, but because 2019 is the gift that keeps giving, here are 50 other things you should never say while meeting your potential paramour for the very first time:

1. ‘I think you might be going bald.’

2. ‘Well, technically, we are still together. Do you think this would count as cheating?’

3. ‘Wow, the people who take your profile pictures on Facebook do a really good job!’

4. 'Okay, don’t look now, but that waiter has the cutest butt in the world.’

5. ‘I am so sorry I couldn’t return your call last night, I was on a date.’

6. ‘But how can you like The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel?’

7. ‘I see that you are friends with my ex on Facebook…’

8. ‘So, funny thing, I Googled you.’

9. 'I am vegan.’

10. ‘So, what’s it like being a doctor? Oh wait, you aren’t one? Oops, I think I mixed you up with this other guy I’ve been talking to.’

11. ‘Oh my God! My Grindr tells me that there are five more gay men here at this bar tonight!’

12. ‘So I found out that your ex boyfriend…’

13. ‘So sorry for being on the call – you were saying something? Is that so? Tell me more. Oh wait. I have to take this call, hang on. Hello?’

14. ‘So I have this thing where I lose interest in people after I sleep with them. Anyway, that’s not important, what are your plans after dinner tonight?’

15. ‘You know what would be really funny? If I turned out to be a serial killer.’

16. ‘I have a strange feeling that we’ve met before. Did we have a threesome in 2009?’

17. ‘I am so sorry for not paying attention, but there’s something stuck between your teeth.’

18. ‘Something tells me I am going to meet the love of my life soon, I know I’ll have to kiss many frogs till then, but I know I’ll find my prince in the end. Are you fine? You look sick.’

19. ‘Do you want to see me snort beer from my nose?’

20. ‘I think I saw your shirt in Zara’s sale last season.’

21. ‘How loud do you scream?’

22. I think you would look way cuter if you just…’

23. ‘On a scale of 1 to 10, how gay are you?’

24. ‘Okay, but Trump’s right, we need to keep all the immigrants out…’

25. ‘So I am not trying to scare you but this one time, someone told me I remind them of the lead character from You.’

26. ‘I am thinking of moving. I just can’t be tied to one place for a really long time.’

27. ‘You should come to my sister’s wedding next month! You’d get to meet my whole family!’

28. ‘Okay, I don’t want to sound snobbish, but if you haven’t been to Saint Tropez, you haven’t really lived life.’

29. ‘I mean, I don’t think it’s Herpes, but the doctor feels otherwise. But you know how doctors are!’

30. ‘How would I know he was only 16 years old? He told me he was 19!’

31. ‘Vikram? Is your name Vikram? You look like a Vikram?’

32. ‘That vodka soda you are drinking has 68 calories, I am just saying…’

33. ‘Oh come on, are you telling me you haven’t had a wet dream about your dad?’

34. ‘I think I am still in love with my ex-boyfriend.’

35. ‘My friends call me a heartbreaker, but they can exaggerate a little…’

36. ‘Hypothetically, if we had kids, what would you call them? Just hypothetically, you know.’

37. 'I don’t think this is going to work out. Think we can just leave after this drink?’

38. ‘What do you mean you don’t think it’s cool if I was dating two people at the same time?'

39. ‘I am not judging but…’

40. ‘This one time I slapped a friend so hard on her face, that…’

41. ‘Yeah, my therapist thinks I shouldn’t talk about my ex so much…’

42. ‘I ordered you a roast chicken salad…’

43. 'You know what? I really hate it when the gays flaunt their sexuality out in public. Can we have a time out, please?’

44. ‘You are not the kind of person I would usually go for, but hey, one has to take chances in life, right?’

45. ‘So yeah, life’s really not working out for me as a gay man…’

46. ‘I am sorry but I think I am getting distracted by the pimple by your nose…’

47. ‘I might have dinner plans with some friends later. You won’t mind, would you?’

48. ‘Do you think it would be weird if I ask you to be my boyfriend?’

49. ‘I am sorry but I got distracted by your neck, it looks so soft…’

50. ‘Wow, you drink a lot of beer, don’t you? Now I know why your face looks so heavy.’

—Illustration by Amrai Dua

Aniruddha Mahale