Guysexual: 88 Thoughts you have while on a bad first date

Guysexual: 88 Thoughts you have while on a bad first date

First dates can be intimidating. What if you smile too much? Or talk about the ex too much? Or drink too much? As you flirt your way over aperitifs and appetizers, there could be a lot of questions that are racing through your mind – from the classic ‘does he like me?’ and ‘Who’s going to pay for this one?’ to the more practical ‘Should I go commando?’ and ‘Is that boil over his lip a cold sore?’

Point is, every date is different – from borderline psychotic to Rom-com-level charming – and each one is a story by itself. Don’t know how to sort the good ones from the bad? If this were your train of thought while you were out with a potential Prince Charming, I’d say you board the first compartment and flee as far away as you can:

  1. Here we are. I really hope this is the One.
  2. If he is, I swear I’ll delete Grindr. And Tinder. And Scruff. I’ll delete it all.
  3. Did I leave my main door open? I have a really bad feeling that I left my main door open. Oh God! What if I left my main door open?
  4. My hands are so sweaty. Where’s the tissue paper when you need it?
  5. Why isn’t he here yet? Will I look too desperate just because I got here ten minutes early? I can go home and check whether my door’s locked.
  6. But it’s probably shut.
  7. Let me just order a glass of sangria to calm my nerves before he gets here.
  8. Oh wait! The pitcher is so cheap, should I get that instead?
  9. Probably not a good idea to come across as a raging alcoholic on the first date.
  10. Well, we all have our issues.
  11. There he is! Ah, his hair is thinner than his Grindr picture, but then again – I am not the surfer that I make myself out to be.
  12. Those are some pretty expensive looking shoes. Ugh, I hope he doesn’t see my sneakers.
  13. Oops. Too late. I see his disappointment.
  14. Should I go for the handshake or a hug?
  15. He’s already sitting, oh well, handshake it is.
  16. What does he mean by ‘I thought writers are great with openings?’
  17. So kinky.
  18. He has an annoying laugh though.
  19. Damn, I have my underwear out drying on the bed. Have to hurry over and clean up if we get lucky tonight.
  20. Oh wow! He’s asking me whether I update my LinkedIn regularly. That escalated fast.
  21. I am going to pretend to stare at this menu card intently because I really don’t have anything to say.
  22. Oh he ‘s getting a dog? I love dogs! Yay! We have one thing in common.
  23. Oh. He meant hot dogs.
  24. I shouldn’t have got this dinner jacket dry-cleaned.
  25. Should I order the Caesar salad or the tacos? I don’t want to feel gassy if things are going great after…
  26. He sure can go on about how great being a consultant is. What’s a CIBIL score anyway and why do we need to talk about it right now?
  27. Does he think I am handsome? He’s not come up with a single compliment yet. I’ve already told him he has great taste in shoes. Maybe he’s shy.
  28. That hasn’t stopped him from talking about himself.
  29. There he goes with the CIBIL score s**t again.
  30. He rambles so much. Maybe I should say something too? How about I tell him about the time I got lost at the bar next door…
  31. Probably not. I should take it slow with the sangria.
  32. He’s looking at me weirdly. Do I have something stuck in my teeth?
  33. Let me just wash it down with some more sangria. Hic.
  34. Oh wait. He’s asking me what I think about politics? Can I pretend like I didn’t understand his question?
  35. Umm, I still haven’t answered. Wait, I’ll ask him what he thinks about politics himself!
  36. Phew. That was a close one.
  37. Did he just say that he thinks Donald Trump’s going to make America great again?
  38. Tacos it is.
  39. He’s saying something again.
  40. I am just going to nod and smile. Nod and smile. Nod and smile till I believe it myself.
  41. If I hear the story about how he and his ex had a raging time at Mykonos one more time…
  42. He should probably put it up on his Tinder profile.
  43. Could he be on Tinder?
  44. Maybe he’s seen me there, and didn’t swipe right. I am sure he didn’t swipe right. He looks like the type who’d swipe left.
  45. Should I message the other Tinder guy who asked me out last week?
  46. What if it’s his ex?
  47. Online dating sucks.
  48. Correction. Online dating sucks in India.
  49. Maybe I should I just move to another country. I’ll probably go to Mykonos. He seems to think it’s lovely.
  50. Wait a minute. Is he trying to play footsie with me? I should probably hold on to those moving plans for a bit.
  51. That is definitely not his foot.
  52. Oh sweet mother of lord NO.
  53. Why is this happening to me?
  54. Okay. He’s not doing THAT anymore.
  55. Nope. It’s not funny that you call me sweet caramel. Stop being racist.
  56. I feel like having some caramel ice cream though. Should I ask him if he wants to get some after?
  57. Okay, that’s not a very attractive way to eat a hot dog. I really hope that’s mayonnaise on his pants.
  58. I don’t think inviting him for ice cream is going to be such a great idea.
  59. Why is he rambling so much? He’s got great teeth though. Maybe I should lean in for a kiss?
  60. Hold on. Garlic mayo. Goodbye, goodbye kiss!
  61. This date is clearly a disaster.
  62. Did he just pick his nose?
  63. Ewwww, gross. He did.
  64. How do I get out of this? I need an exit plan!
  65. Should I say my dog died?
  66. Maybe I have a root canal tomorrow?
  67. No wait! A colonoscopy sounds better.
  68. Although this date could be one too.
  69. Thank God! He’s called for the bill.
  70. Would I have to pay? I really don’t want to.
  71. Darn! He’s excusing himself to go to the bathroom right now!
  72. Don’t look at me like that, waiter. We both know it’s better to go Dutch on bad dates.
  73. Where is he? Did he leave?
  74. OMG! I hope he didn’t!
  75. No wait. His jacket is still here.
  76. I am just going to go ahead and pay! The faster we are out of here, the faster I get to be with my ice cream.
  77. Goodbye money, I’ll never see again. It was nice knowing you.
  78. And there he is, just in time. How convenient. Maybe they have cameras in the washroom.
  79. I am going to make a grand show of folding this bill and putting it back in my wallet. That should make him feel guilty.
  80. Look at that! He’s not even batting an eyelid.
  81. I am so done with him; I could be a Taylor Swift song.
  82. No, I don’t want to get coffee. You get coffee yourself. Your credit card could do with it.
  83. That’s it, we are heading out. Excuse me! Is he already checking his Grindr again? HOW RUDE!
  84. Wait. I am going to check it myself.
  85. Phew. That’s over. Now I’ll just tell him that I’ll text him soon.
  86. But I won’t.
  87. Goodbye, guy-I’ll-never-see-again! Dang, great butt though.
  88. Oh look! There’s a cute guy 300 metres away. Thanks, Grindr! You never disappoint!

Aniruddha Mahale