Dear Gay Men, Are You Dating A #BadNewsBoyfriend?

Dear Gay Men, Are You Dating A #BadNewsBoyfriend?

Here are ten reasons to break up for good

For every relationship that works, there are dozens that don’t (or worse, won’t).

There’s the boy who gets passive aggressive. The one who says he could never stay in a monogamous relationship. The one who fights a lot. The one who stares a lot. The one who hates your dog. The one who treats you like his dog. The one you have nothing in common with. The one who you have family in common with. The list is endless, but the signs are not. Don’t know which ones to necessarily look out for?

The next time you come across any of these indicators (take this quiz to find out more), pull up your socks and pull out the plug instead:

1. He cheats on you so much, he could be Brad Pitt with his wives

You’ve caught him more times with his pants down than you have with his guard down. In fact, our resident playboy is such a professional, that they could turn the phrase ‘Once a cheater, always a cheater’ into an Archies card just for him.

2. Pretends to like your family, but really doesn’t

If he gushes about your mum’s chocolate cake while having dinner with her, and then complains about how he’s never liked desserts, it’s time you desert the two-faced liar. Building on the classic Indian trope of ‘family coming first’, never trust a guy who badmouths yours. Why not?

He’s probably doing the same thing to you, even when you are not baking him any cakes.

3. He brings up the ex

During fights. While having breakfast cereal. While eating sushi. At brunch. On the phone. At your sister’s birthday. At a drunken night out with the friends. In bed. Out of bed. And most importantly, when you propose.

Any man who brings up his ex every other instant, needs to be dropped in an instance. Before he drops you for the ex (which he will).

4. He’s weird about letting you use his phone

Ring those alarm bells when someone gets angsty as you reach for their phone, because these are the only reasons why your boyfriend should have the nervous sweats when you are casually using his phone:

a) He’s a secret agent.
b) He’s planning your surprise birthday party.
c) He has diarrhoea.
d) It’s actually your phone, and he stole it – in which case, you should dump him too.

5. He shows up drunk way too often

…Even at funerals.

6. He’s always the first to pick up a fight

Negative points if he picks up a knife while he’s at it. If you are in the relationship with someone who always picks a fight, it’s time you pick up your bags and leave.

7. You are winging it because ‘something is better than nothing’

Have you ever had pancakes with mustard sauce because you can’t find your jar of maple syrup? Winging a relationship that isn’t headed anywhere feels the same way. Only in this case, you end up with a bad case of emotional indigestion.

Remember, don’t date a guy because there’s no other man on the horizon; date a guy because you think he is the horizon.

8. He’s always trying to ‘find’ himself

He’ll wander around the world trying to find himself — he’ll shack with Samuel in Spain, jam with Jeremy in Jamaica, cruise with Colin in the Caribbean, and binge drink with Benjamin in Berlin — but the truth is the only thing he’ll find is chlamydia.

Or worse, genital herpes.

9. He thinks Netflix is more attractive than you

It’s okay if he wants to binge watch two seasons of Daredevil instead of going wine tasting for the weekend; but if he’s raving about how he wants to spend Friday night with Fuller House, you should probably throw him out of yours. Because he’s clearly in a relationship with the television; and not in one with you.

10. You came to this guide looking for a sign to break up with them

If you’ve just gone through an instruction manual for dating, you are not in the wrong place, but in the wrong relationship. Dump your boyfriend before he finds out the hard way while snooping through your Kindle.

— Illustration courtesy Amrai Dua

Aniruddha Mahale