Ask the Guysexual: Love And Other Drugs — Vol. 2

Ask the Guysexual: Love And Other Drugs — Vol. 2

How soon is too soon to tell someone you love them? Can texting out of the relationship be considered as a classic example of emotional cheating? How can you ask a man what he loves in bed without sounding rude (or creepy)? Are there going to be any more misleading questions that I plan to use as click baiters?

Ding ding ding. We’ve got a winner right here! Now find answers to all these questions and more in #AskGuysexual’s Love And Other Drugs: Vol. II... (Oh, and you might want to catch up on Vol.I.)

Dear Guysexual,

I’ve been on a few dates with this amazing guy I met on Tinder, but I’ve not been able to tell him how I feel about him – I don’t know if it’s because I am nervous, or just scared that he’d reject me if I tell him that I want to take it to the next level. What should I do?

— The_Conflicted_One

Dear The_Conflicted_One,

Life is always going to be full of regrets. Should you have hit the bully back in high school? Did you make a mistake not eating that red velvet cupcake at brunch last weekend? What would have happened if I had sent Leonardo DiCaprio a strand of my hair as fan mail? Would it have been possible to have that fifth shot of tequila last Friday night?

If I had a gold coin for every regret in my life, I would be a leprechaun (without a restraining order from Leo DiCaprio). But while leprechauns might not exist in real life, honesty does. Sometimes, coming clean about your feelings can be the most genuine thing you can do.

And what do people seek in their soul mates? Grade-A genuineness. Trust me when I say that there’s nothing more attractive than a man who owes up to his feelings.

Now go be that guy.

PS: If you get rejected, repeat process till you find the right guy.

Dear Guysexual,

This boy I went on a date with two weeks ago, is all kinds of awesome. He writes poetry, cooks Mexican food and has a pet dog that I already want to adopt. He seems perfect, but there’s a catch — we’ve not had the sex talk yet. How can I tell if he’s a top or a bottom? I know it shouldn’t be important, but sexual compatibility has always been the crux in all my relationships that have worked out. Should I just ask him? If not, are there ways to find out?

— FruStraightEdFanatic

Dear FruStraightEdFanatic,

Top, bottom, versatile, versatile top or versatile bottom — As gay men, we have as many choices as Baskin Robbins has ice cream flavours.  Sadly, men don’t parade their sexual preferences on lapel pins or tee shirts. We can’t wear it on scarves, or baseball caps or even tutus (although if you can pull one off, more power to you). Does social behaviour govern what (and how) we like in bed?

As surprised as you will be, not at all. There are Mas4Masc bottoms that love watching football and femme (and equally fabulous) tops that binge on RuPaul’s reruns. Funny how that works? Not really.

Bears, otters, twinks, chubs, cubs, femmes, daddy-chasers, butch-queens, or silver foxes, you're either this or you are that. There’s no point trying to figure-out which category of gay-invented typecast you fit into (pun intended).

So how do you navigate through the quagmire of labels and homo-stereotypes that gay men project onto one another? There's no other way but talking to each other.

Get into a conversation today — talk about your likes, your dislikes and your preferred positions.  Find out whether he’s more about the giving, or loves receiving. There are men who love baguettes; there are men who love bagels. At the end of the day, remember one thing — you aren’t just looking for someone who fits, you are looking for someone who fits the missing piece to your jigsaw puzzle.

And if it doesn’t work out with him, pass me his number.

Dear Guysexual,

I’ve been in a relationship for over a year and a half, and things are going pretty well (although I still haven’t gotten myself to delete all the apps from my phone). Is it considered cheating if I talk to other guys online?

— Grinderella88

Dear Grinderella88,

There’s only one way to look at this. Imagine you are in your boyfriend’s (imaginary, but suede) shoes, and he’s doing what you are doing right now. How would that make you feel?

Would you be okay? Would you celebrate with a whole ‘we-can-survive-anything’ cake? Would you eat three slices of said cake? If yes, congratulations on the carb overdose! But hold on, he’s not you; he’s him — a completely different person.

When it comes to relationships, everyone has different expectations, hopes and (important to this scenario) boundaries of what is and isn’t acceptable — from wearing crocs on a date to sharing a tub of ice cream in bed. If you haven’t had a discussion of what is and isn’t okay in your relationship — and this could be anything from deciding on going vegan to receiving dick pics from strangers, then you can assume nothing. You’ve spent a year and a half with this man — that’s like 8 gay years together.

You might argue that you aren’t really meeting any of these men, or even sharing your own pictures, and it’s just a kink, like watching pornography. But do remember that pornstars seldom stay three hundred metres away. You might not be coming from a place of malice or have any intentions of ‘banging on someone else’s bathroom door’, but it’s the thought that counts. Fine, you really aren’t ‘looking for sex’, but beware — there’s a thin line between swapping text messages and swapping spit with the cute writer who lives 10 minutes away.

Conclusively, if are asking this question, a part of you already feels like you are cheating – and you don’t need to be exchanging sweet nothings with a hottie on Grindr to prove so. What’s the most legit way to find out if you are doing something wrong?

Walk the talk — because if anyone can tell you that you are a two-faced lying scumbag — it’s the man whose back you’ve been grinding away (albeit virtually) to glory behind.

You’ll just thank me later.

Have questions that you still need answers to? Tweet them over to @theguysexual and get them answered in #AskGuysexual’s Love And Other Drugs: Volume III next month!

Illustration courtesy Amrai Dua

Aniruddha Mahale