Mitron to Chowkidar: 7 signs you are trapped in a Modi rally

The elections are barely underway, and most of us are already suffering from poll fatigue. Or at the very least, rhetoric fatigue. But our exhaustion is matched only by the enthusiasm of our leaders who now have their stump speech down pat – and recite it with ever increasing monotony. [caption id=“attachment_1472571” align=“alignleft” width=“380”] Narendra Modi is all smiles with the new hat. PTI[/caption] Each day brings the same old faces saying the same old things in yet another obscure corner of the country – to the point of inducing instant ennui. And that includes the Great Communicator himself. To save you the bother of ever listening to another NaMo stump speech again, here is our Cliff notes version of the same. The fraandship factor: Modi’s Mitron – delivered in that nasally stentorian tone – works like a section header. Mitron: Governance. Mitron: Corruption. Mitron: Development. These days, however, it’s more a cue to the drowsy listener to go right back to sleep. The upside: It works quite nicely as a drinking game. [caption id=“attachment_1472485” align=“alignnone” width=“600”]  Image from Associated Press[/caption]   Questions, questions, questions: Mehengai bhadi? rojgar mila? Aapke paarviar mein kisiko rojgar mila? Yahane is rally mein kisiko rojgar mila? Listening to a Modi speech is a bit like sitting for a surprise quiz. Happily, the answers are usually painfully obvious.   [caption id=“attachment_147274” align=“alignleft” width=“600”]  Image from Reuters[/caption]   Whack-a-Gandhi: The dynasty, to Modi, is a bit like Voldemort: to be defeated without ever once taking its name. What we get instead is a volley of insults aimed at Shehzada, Madam, and Damaad. As in, “Shehzada, people want to know what goes on in your house.” The heckling tone makes it just that bit more special.   [caption id=“attachment_1472501” align=“alignnone” width=“600”] Image from PTI[/caption]   No ‘women’ please: In Modi’s rhetorical universe, the fairer sex only exists as Maa, Beti or Behen. Because he’s not in the business of talking to “strange girls” – except when they need his protection, of course.   [caption id=“attachment_147275” align=“alignleft” width=“600”]  Image from Associated Press[/caption]     Speak softly and carry a big stick: That was once the foreign policy motto of the big, bad United States, and now that of Narendra Modi. “Mujhe chowkidaar ban ne do” he begs his audience, pleading for a chance to play India’s night watchman. Aww, with that cute little face, who could refuse.   [caption id=“attachment_1472511” align=“alignnone” width=“600”] Image from Reuters[/caption]   Size matters: Modi is all about Big. Big ideas, big 3-D projections, big rallies etc. etc. “In Gujarat, our pipelines are so wide that you can drive a Maruti car through it!” as he once informed us. Everything is big about NaMo from the size of his 56 inch, sorry 44 inch chest and 45 inch belly.   [caption id=“attachment_1472515” align=“alignnone” width=“600”] Image from Associated Press[/caption]   Vande, bye bye: Modi’s speeches almost always ends with vande! vande! vande! vande! vande! An appropriately patriotic end to a true patriot’s speech, and a cue to you, dear listener, to wake the hell up. And carry on with the rest of your Modi-mukt day.   [caption id=“attachment_1472519” align=“alignleft” width=“600”] Image from Reuters[/caption]