By Lakshmi Chaudhry and Sandip Roy
Oh, look at what Santa Claus dragged in early this Christmas. It's Pakistan's number one sex kitten Veena Malik in luscious, unencumbered glory, splashed across the cover of FHM, the lad mag of choice for hormone-addled Indian men.
Look, ma, no clothes. Just acres of carefully posed, overly photoshopped flesh, decorated with a large ISI tattoo. An erotic trifecta summed up by the magazine's promotional tweet: "ISI + Counter Terrorism + Hot Naked Chick = THE HOTTEST WINTER EVER!!!" Because, really, that's exactly who we Indians think of when we look at soft porn: Mmm, Kasab, jihadis, Kashmir, so hot!
Okay, so we all know what FHM and its readers get out of this. But what in the world was Veena Malik thinking? Yes, she denies posing naked but the editors claim they have videos of the shoot, and her email approving the photos. That's either an unlikely or very foolish bluff. While it's hard to tell how this little story will unfold, at this point, if Veena did do the deed, it was an intriguing decision: to offend not just the mullahs but also the all-powerful ISI. What was she thinking, courting this airbrush with death?
This bootylicious bravado has spawned just as many intriguing theories, like the one tweeted by author Taslima Nasreen: "Women who wear burqa or who are supposed to wear burqa are desperate! When they get naked,they get completely naked." No wimpy half measures like bikinis, hot pants etc for those all-or-nothing Muslim babes. We, however, remain unconvinced. Surely, it's been years since Ms Malik's last encounter with the burqa.
Until we discover her true reason for courting disaster, here are our entirely speculative theories for the same:
One, it's all a desperate ploy for political asylum. Since taking on Muslim clerics — and accusing them of raping children — didn't quite do the trick, poor Veena has been forced to up the ante. Surely, the gallant Mr Obama will step in and do the needful. It's a drone, it's a missile, it's Superman to the rescue, saving one naked babe at a time.
Two, she's job-hunting – at the ISI. Surely, there's no better way to underline your Mata Hari credentials than to flaunt your best assets. A self-described “patriotic Pakistani” who ratted out ex-lover Mohammad Asif in national interest, she's just wearing her loyalty on her non-existent sleeve. And who can blame her for courting the one Pakistani employer who can guarantee complete job security irrespective of performance?
Three, this little attention-junkie misread the twelve-step guide to de-addiction. Yes, sweetie, steps four through nine are indeed about baring it all – just not in the literal sense. And when step seven humbly asks God to remove all our shortcomings, it doesn’t include underwear.
Four, she is suffering from Sunny Leone envy. Item girls are so last year. We're all about women who just do it — in front of the camera. And anything Sunny can do, Veena can do better. Forget Canadian wannabes, it's time for our very own true-blue subcontinental porn star.
Five, she's striking a blow for her beloved nation. So what if we beat them at the World Cup, patriotic Veena is proving that Pakistanis are better at what really counts: posing for the ultimate Dirty Picture. Take that, Vidya Balan, Silk Smitha et al, and shove it down your safely covered cleavage.
And finally, she was inspired by Hina Rabbani Khar. As Khar's visit proved, our aman ki asha seems to be located somewhere south of our beltline. This is just the logical next step in Pakistan's ongoing libidinal peace initiative. Hot chicks for peace!
Published Date: Dec 03, 2011 13:22 PM | Updated Date: Dec 03, 2011 15:38 PM