Love in the time of Tinder: The 10 (imaginary) profiles of India’s hottest celebs - Firstpost
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Love in the time of Tinder: The 10 (imaginary) profiles of India’s hottest celebs

Editor's note: So you’ve swiped right, exchanged numbers and got yourself a date on Tinder. What next? This is a 10-part series on the dating landscape among the young-ish and single-ish of India. Part X conjectures what the profiles of India's 10 hottest celebrities would like, if they were on Tinder. This is purely a work of fiction!


What would Shah Rukh Khan's profile say, if he ever joined Tinder?

What would Shah Rukh Khan's profile say, if he ever joined Tinder?

HIS PHOTO: Shah Rukh Khan will obviously put up a family photo, where he’ll be clutching onto his family as though swiping right will tear them apart.

HIS INTRO: Here to make fffffff …. fanship (even though I star in movies where my biggest fan is myself).

HIS MESSAGE: I love being recognised. I love people liking me. I love the fact that people scream when I go out. Does Tinder have a super like option that I can use for myself?


HIS PHOTO: Stock footage from the 1980’s of shirtless abdomen, low jeans ending just above the crotch, hair — lots and lots of hair.

HIS INTRO: My name is Crime Master Gogo. Achoon achoon ki khadi karta hoon main khatiya. (I straighten the cot of very smart people.)

HIS MESSAGE: Bhabhijaan, aap humein apnaye na apnaye ... hum aapko mooh dikhayi mein mile hai. (Sister-in- law, whether you treat me as your own or not, I have come to you as a wedding gift.)


HIS PHOTO: The King of Good Times, like a vampire, is never seen in broad daylight. His photos are taken in smoke-filled bars, deep in the night, with his head lolling, body swaying, eyes red, and a drink — Kingfisher, of course — in his hand.

HIS INTRO: You need to be gutsy. You need to have fire in your belly. Along with a shot of tequila, some lime and salt.

HIS MESSAGE: It’s neither in your principle to pay me interest. Nor is it in my interest to pay you any principal. But since my Kingfisher Calendar Girls have abandoned me, do you wanna meet at the most popular bar of the month 2nite? P.S.: Don’t forget to bring nine thousand crores in cash.


HIS PHOTO: Showing his face is too plebian an act, so there will be a sepia-toned photograph of him staring wistfully away into what used to be acche din. His next photo will be a Rumi quote about love, followed by the cover of a French novel that no one has heard of.

HIS INTRO: The name is Rajan. Raghuram Rajan. I’m no Bond. I’m a banker on the move, Shobhaa De’s crush and a SenSex fantasy.

HIS MESSAGE:  e^{\pi i} + 1 = 0 [/xy] Loosely translates into: Would you like to meet for coffee?


HIS PHOTO: The Master Blaster’s most iconic photo of his first test hundred. What else?

HIS INTRO: Tanmay Bhat forced me to learn what Snapchat is, so now I’m trying out all the new-age Millennial apps.

HIS MESSAGE: I have completed 30,000 runs in international cricket. I have received the Bharat Ratna, the Padma Shri and the Padma Bhushan. I have survived captaincy and injuries and racism and Pakistanis and Mike Denness. But, aila, this Tinder stuff is nonsensical. I can’t make heads or tails of it. Sach is life!


HER PHOTO: She will be wearing a tant — typical Bengali cotton sari — along with white hawai chappals on her feet. Her hair will be tied tightly at the nape and she will be eating — of course — a rosogolla. Her photo will be taken against the backdrop of a giant-sized Bharat Mata effigy that strangely resembles her.

HER INTRO: Looking to do some Didigiri on online apps. Maoists and Gorkhas not welcome.

HER MESSAGE: Ladies, it is time for some poriborton. There is nothing that Tinder can offer which you can’t get otherwise. So there is no particular reason for you to be here. You do not exist so that some patriarchal beneficiary can come up to you and tell you what he thinks. Listen to Didi, get off Tinder and join the TMC!


HER PHOTO: She’ll have only one photo where she seems pretty, sweet and sensible, like the chikni chameli, Maxim India’s Hot 100, girl next door. Finally, you think, a normal girl on Tinder!

HER INTRO: Just being human. Here to meet new people and see if it leads to ajab prem ki ghazab kahani. Rockstars, Barfi’s and Rocket Singh’s please excuse! I don’t want any more Tamasha in my life.

Hi. Great to connect here! I’m a big fan!
How’ve you been?
Would you like to meet for coffee?
Ya, buddy, welcome to the world of Salman Khan and Ranbir Kapoor.


For that matter, what would Sunny Leone's Twitter profile say?

For that matter, what would Sunny Leone's Twitter profile say?

HER PHOTO: She’s every Tinder man’s dream come true. She’ll have selfies in many a backless dresses, blouses that leave little to the imagination, and baby doll shots in black bras and red nails.

HER INTRO: Looking for like-minded people to have some fun with. NSA (no strings attached) or FWB (friends with benefits).

HER MESSAGE: What gets me in the mood is a man who knows what he’s doing. There’s nothing like someone who knows how to treat you, touch you, and make you feel good.


HER PHOTO: She’ll be that cute and bubbly girl with lots of group photos in which you see half your friends.

HER INTRO: If you’re looking for hookups please swipe left. Here to make friends and become Humpty Sharma ki dulhaniya (though Kapoor & Sons will also do)!

You both have 78 mutual friends. How is it possible that you’re not already friends?

HER MESSAGE: Omg! Aren’t you Humpty from Dumpty’s class?
He he. Yeah! I am.
Didn’t we all go to Disney World in 2010 and fall down the wall?
He he. Yeah! We did.
We really were Students of the Year. So, why are you on Tinder?
My friend downloaded it for me two minutes ago! My hand accidentally swiped everyone right.
Really? Mine too! We have SO many things in common!
Yes. Definitely. Aren’t you seeing Sid?
No. We broke up a week ago.
Yay! I mean, sorry! We should totally hang, yaar! But let’s tell everyone we bumped into each other at a movie premiere. Okay?
What nonsense, yaar! Don’t take the Highway to denial or I’ll make you watch Sangharsh.
Wait, I’m calling Suresh right now!


HER PHOTO: She posts photos of her rock climbing in Hampi, white water rafting in Rishikesh, skydiving in Dhana and winning medals — scores and scores of medals.

HER INTRO: Fitness professional. The first Indian woman to become the World Number 1 badminton player. The first Indian to win a medal in badminton at the Olympics. Working out is a must.

HER MESSAGE: Hey! Wanna join me for the marathon on Sunday?
I can’t. I ran the marathon last Sunday.
Last Sunday? But that was a half-marathon. This is a FULL marathon.
I don’t do full marathons. Not yet :)
Ehm … hello?

You’ve been unmatched. You’re not fit enough.

That brings us to the end of our Tinder series. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading all the articles.

Have a good time Tindering, folks!

Meghna Pant is the award-winning author of Happy Birthday (2013, Random House) and One And A Half Wife (2012, Westland)

Also in this series:

Part I — "The Tinder Man" — the 10 guys you'll see on Tinder
Part II — "The Tinder Woman" — the 10 ladies you'll meet on Tinder
Part III — The first date — who asks, who pays, who gets laid?
Part IV — The five worst Tinder dates
Part V — When the Tinder date doesn't match his/her photo
Part VI — Does Tinder lead to casual sex?
Part VII — Why Tinder has ruined love
Part VIII — Why are we so apologetic about being on Tinder?
Part IX — Is Tinder the best dating app in India?

Tell us about your experiences on Tinder — or any other dating app! Write to us at or in the comments section below.

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