Dear general category student of St Stephen's, SRCC or LSR,
Congratulations on getting admission into Delhi University! Getting into a good college so you can eventually get an MBA and become a soulless corporate slave is a privilege few Indians have and you are at the very forefront of a rich yet miserable existence! Please take a good look in the mirror because being a part of this college is the only thing that will determine your self and external worth over the next four years. The two extra marks that you got in your board exams make you a better and more valuable person than your friends who have been relegated to untouchable sanatoriums like Maharaja Agrasen and Kirori Mal college. You are the nation’s pride when it comes to mindless rote learning and I salute your mental fortitude.
I would like to take some time to familiarise you with some rules that come attached with being part of our three most supposedly precious institutions.
Firstly, it is your duty to constantly remind people that you are from one of the above-mentioned colleges even if the question is “What’s your blood group?” Students from other colleges will try and bring you to their level but it is your duty to resist. Bhagat Singh’s Economics course will never be as good as SRCC’s. Gargi women might be hotter, but never as smart as someone from LSR and your response to someone from Shaheed Sukhdev Singh College of Business Studies must always be, “When in the middle of the freedom struggle did Shaheed Sukhdev Thapar teach accounts?”
College is all about the networks you build and thus you should make friends with those who you think might become successful in the future. Like you, they too will apply to the same IIMs and Ivy League institutions and what’s the point of getting admission there if you can’t make your friends feel like their life is shit? Even if you decide to get employment, chances are you will end up working within the same company or industry and keep bumping into them, so be warned. Do not worry about the guys in class who keep talking about a package of 10 or 11. They are only referring to salaries not their penis size, even though they are usually inversely proportional.
Please learn all Parikrama songs by heart as it is a contractual obligation on the part of Delhi University to invite them for each festival every year, year on year, till the band retires or the Earth implodes whatever comes first.
Do not waste time hanging out with students who got admission through extra curricular or sports quotas unless they are state level cricket players. State level cricket players might eventually play in the IPL and will become valuable names to drop in the future. All other sports players will remain poor for the rest of their lives. Theatre, music and drama societies might seem like fun, but the only way to distinguish yourself in these activities is by pretending to believe in a cause and spending each summer working with an NGO that addresses it. You will find employers falling at the feet of your moral halo while your extra-curricular friends become alcoholics looking for performance opportunities around Hauz Khas Village.
Finally, please attend all lectures, submit tutorials on time, attend a conference at the India Habitat Centre, participate in atleast one taping of We The People and try not to get shot or stabbed during the DUSU elections.
The Vice Chancellor