Friends with benefits = More pain, less benefit

Is 2011 the year of FWB – friends with benefits? Hollywood seems to think so. So far, 2011’s most successful Hollywood rom-coms have used this very millennial concept of beneficial ‘friendship’ to their advantage. For those who missed the memo, here is the Urban Dictionary’s definition:

Friends with Benefits: Two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment.

[caption id=“attachment_59981” align=“alignleft” width=“380” caption=“Despite popular and deluded belief that casual sex between two friends can remain effectively uncomplicated, a look around makes it clear it’s pretty skewed. kait jarbeau is in love with you/Flickr”]  [/caption] Both, No Strings Attached starring Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher, and the just released Friends With Benefits starring Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake, waste no time in allowing the protagonists to sufficiently know each other — they graduate straight to the bedroom. And because these are rom-coms, they end the way they are supposed to; both leads end up falling in love with each other. But that does not change the basic fact. The celluloid drama might have made cash registers ring but it bears little resemblance to real life. Despite popular and deluded belief that casual sex between two friends can remain effectively uncomplicated, a look around makes it clear it’s pretty skewed. The planets are aligned against it John Gray in his best-selling book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus explains how both sexes are different. According to Gray, men complain about problems because they are asking for solutions, while women complain about problems because they want their problems to be acknowledged. Cognition and Emotion, a study published in 1998, by Psychology Press has often been cited as evidence for women being the more ’emotional’ sex. So in light of these deductions, how is it that friends with benefits can remain devoid of emotion? One of the two will end up getting hurt whether you like it or not. For a select few, perhaps the possibility may be there. Girish Jain* (name changed), 23, says, “Look, I am a pretty busy guy, I have my work, gym, friends, parties and umm…sexual needs to be taken care of. I am too young to be tied down in a relationship so if I’ve laid out the no emotional baggage rule before a friend, and she happens to agree, what’s the harm?” On being quizzed whether his stud-play has become less than simple outside the bedroom, he becomes defensive. “It has its complications,” he admits. “I tried the friends with benefit thing with a very close friend. I had known her all throughout college and it just happened one night. Things got pretty messy soon although we had entered the arrangement making it clear that we won’t be exclusive. I don’t speak to her now, and no friend I have benefited from is actually a friend anymore. It’s more like one night hook-ups with strangers who I’d call friends. It sounds cheap if I call them anything else, if you know what I mean.” Umm this is my best friend (with benefits) It’s a little bit like when your BFF makes a new friend at work or at a party. This ’new’ friend soon becomes a part of conversations when you and your BFF meet. Before you know it she is being  discussed with the same passion as you are. Even though you haven’t met her, you are wary of her and you soon start to feel territorial. Friends with benefits is a little bit like that but with more skewed dynamics. Either way you are dealing with diminishing boundaries right from the start. It wasn’t for nothing that When Harry Met Sally, he warned her that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. Echoing the sentiment, today Rajita* regrets her first and last attempt at keeping friends with benefits. “My boyfriend had dumped me after five years for someone younger. My closest friend in the world was dumped just days after I was. He and I could totally relate to each other, and sex soon became part of the equation. We knew we were filling the emotional void by hooking-up; it was understood. Things however changed after I met this new guy who I really liked. Siddharth* (my friend with benefits) started getting very possessive after I went out on a few dates with this new guy. I was uncomfortable introducing him as my best bud because of what we had shared. This happened over a year back. I never did date the new guy I had met, and have not spoken to Siddharth ever since. We bump into each other often at parties, and I must admit, it’s pretty uncomfortable when we do.” FWB Rulebook for Dummies was written by one Just as the ‘bro-code’ comes with its ludicrous set of rules, friends with benefits has its unique set of dos and donts. They are often highlighted as the top 10 rules on how to not screw up a ‘good thing’.  Here’s dissecting three of the most unreasonable in a man’s pursuit of a friend with guaranteed benefits. Rule 1: Don’t hang out with her — Really? So how do you attempt at living up to the ‘friend’ bit? So basically, every attractive looking friend who you’ve fantasised about should cease to be a friend. Rule 2_: Limit your bedroom time to less than two hours_ — Not only are you to take out emotion from sex, but you are to time it without a snooze on your alarm. Thank you very much for the cheap, business-like, and extremely twisted relationship model. Sorry, it’s two hours, gotta split. Rule 3: Keep friends out of it. Now that’s an oxymoron in itself. It’s called friends with benefit for a reason. So if you’re thinking about a no strings attached friends in benefits scenario, go ahead. Just remember your relationship with your “friend” will never be the same again.