The five mistakes of my life I learnt thanks to Chetan Bhagat

I have never cared much for Chetan Bhagat. Like I haven’t for Ram Gopal Verma, size zero, cats and what the nation wants to know. Until of course, one fine weekend, when the world was still nursing a dizzying hangover from women’s day discounts and free shots, Bhagat turned fairy godfather. And just before we drowned ourselves in weight loss teas and confidence boosting air bras, Bhagat killed our inner Rihanna  with the chop of a word. A few words actually, specifically these: “Your success is what will finally make Indian men respect women. Play your part.” The last time I had “I can be your hero” playing in my head before this, was when I was 14. Such immense, complete joy, I tell you, could only be replicated by the sight of Rekha feeding Kabir Bedi to the crocodiles in Khoon Bhari Maang. No, seriously. If you, like me, had mistaken yourself for a somewhat sensible woman who pays her own bills, can shoulder as much responsibility at work as any male colleague and can also manage her finances pretty well by herself , here’s the bitter truth: You’re not at all what you think you are. In his column called The Underage Optimist in the Times of India, Bhagat shows you the mirror. [caption id=“attachment_658908” align=“alignleft” width=“380”]  Don’t bat your eyelashes no more. Reuters[/caption] “The first behaviour that needs to end is the constant desire to judge other women” I agree. We Indian women should stop pretending like we live in a Gossip Girl blog. Calling each other ‘sluts’ if the other wears a short skirt, with a sense of discretion equal to that possessed by a cockroach and the morals of Cinderella’s step sisters, we should totally stop being mean. This might sound like a very mothballed stereotype, but face it, if Bhagat is saying it, that’s what we are! ‘Second, the faking needs to end’. Again, I agree. Bhagat says. “What’s the point of collectively harping on equality, when as individuals, you are happy to lapse into being clueless eye flutterers, just to keep men happy?” Well, totally. Tiring, isn’t it? We might be making PPTs, coding softwares, writing reports, attending meetings and subjecting ourselves to other such work-life banalities, but all we care about is fluttering our eyelashes at the male boss or the senior colleague. We don’t quite know better ways that the cumbersome eye exercise to get ahead in life. And yeah, what a bunch of emotional fools we are, really.  Bhagat says we are not serious about ‘standing up for (our) property rights’. So what if we manage our own finances, have separate bank accounts after marriage, make investments, save money, buy property ourselves, we are more keen on giving away land and houses as freebies to evil husbands, sons and brothers who have no qualms about taking away what is rightfully ours. We are actually soggy little Nirupa Roys deep within. And yes, if you were convinced that a having a woman boss only gets a man’s goat - wake up, it doesn’t! ‘Success’ is the only way to earn a man’s respect, says Bhagat. “Women need to become more ambitious and dream bigger,” to quote him exactly. We aren’t ambitious enough. We, who stay up nights to crack horrifying exams, troop to universities and corporate houses as much as men, know Miss India speeches are a lot of gas; actually don’t have enough fire in our bellies. I can’t think of what makes men more ambitious than us. But he must be right, he is Chetan Bhagat. And as Bhagat puts it, a man’s respect is the new Bournville in your life sisters - there’s no easy way to earn it. Finally, don’t take Karan Johar too seriously people. It is not about the family. It’s about you. Since Bhagat assumes that while you might be reading his column, you must also be living the life of the women seen in washing powder commercials, wake up and realise that ‘you have a life too’. The whole multi-tasking, super mom concept is just a bunch of lies. And yes, we laugh unnecessarily at bad jokes. If you have been wondering why Santa Banta jokes survived till now, hear it from him: because we women never stop laughing at a bad joke to please the men folk of this world. Thank you Mr Chetan Bhagat. For telling me who I am and changing my life forever. I don’t need Fair and Lovely anymore…