Have you scammed the country off billions and are annoyed by people asking you stupid questions like “Why”? Were you caught on camera having an illicit sexual affair and unable to get that person killed before he uploaded it on the Internet? Do you feel sad about not having crores of followers to shut down the state machinery in case you’re caught? Is an RTI activist coming and destroying your sand castles? Do you like talking to Nira Radia? If the answer to any of the above questions is yes, then I’m here to help. All you need to do is follow any of the following techniques and you’ll be out of jail faster than Bangaru Laxman can say “Wow you still remember me?”
Deflect public opinion: Indian masses are not adept at processing multiple things at the same time. Just ask the UPA, whose members have committed so many scams that even an excel sheet that’s updated daily and has columns such as “Name of scam”, “Gross losses”, “Losses as estimated by the CAG”, “Committed by” and “Action taken”, would make it impossible to track.
If you happen to commit your crime at a time when no Shah Rukh Khan film is releasing, an iPhone variant is not in the pipeline and the IPL is not on television, you will need to distract the public. I have two words for you – Chetan Bhagat. While Mr Bhagat is adept at periodically taking his shoe from his behind and lodging it firmly into his mouth, one can strike a deal to get him to say something like “Sachin sucks” so that everyone in the country refocuses their attention from your crime to their Facebook updates which are variations of “Chetan suxs bastard guy cheap writer bastard Chetan he's not a Bhagat”.
Develop chest pain: If the above fails, one can use the excuse used more often than Nirupa Roy lost her children in movies – “chest pain”. If you don’t use chest pain as an excuse, you are what is referred to in technology terms, a “n00b”. Chest pain is the advertising equivalent of “Tum PSPO nahi jaante?”
In case you do get arrested and thrown into Tihar Jail, do you really want your fellow criminals to “Toone chest pain nahi bola? You don’t even deserve to call yourself a Tiharian”? You can subsequently check yourself in to a government hospital, though be careful if it’s one in West Bengal.
Complain about morphing your images: If chest pain doesn’t work, you can always blame high technology for your travails. India has a rich history of morphing someone’s face over another person’s body, as we saw in websites such as Desibaba and Desipapa. People will sympathise out of nostalgia, and the Indian police will subsequently launch a nakabandi and Red Corner Notice for a man called Photoshop.
Ask the CBI to take over: Finally, if you still get arrested, use your political connections and get the CBI to take over your case. Having a case handled by the CBI automatically increases the chances of your files being lost (in triplicate) and provides you the option to give soundbytes calling it a Gandhian political conspiracy. Twenty five years later, while you are on your deathbed, the CBI will finally crack the case by blaming the whole thing on a Nepali man and you can leave behind a legacy that will be celebrated multiple full-page advertisements.
Thank you and enjoy being Indian!