Madhya Pradesh chief minister Shivraj Singh Chouhan is a man who likes his statistics in place. And when it comes to statistics regarding the nature of American road infrastructure, he has the facts at his fingertips. Ask him about Lincoln Boulevard in some obscure city in Wyoming, and he'll give you a veritable 'all-you-need-to-know' about it. And when quizzed about the condition of roads in the United States — and why would you not ask the chief minister of India's second biggest state about the condition of roads in the US? — he said 92 percent of roads in the US are in a bad condition. Just that. And lest you think he was using oddly specific numbers without due homework, he attributed this to "studies" which were done.
Only the most cynical of us would question a man like Chouhan and not take his words and random statistics at face value. This is a man so pious, he has instituted a law in his state that criminalises abandoning old parents, saying it's not the "tradition" to do so. How could such a pious man fudge data?
In fact, his revelation has got us thinking. Maybe it's not just civic infrastructure where Madhya Pradesh beats United States' hollow; maybe the state is also ahead on other parameters. And when we get thinking, we get going. Here are a few more things Chouhan may want to use to slam the United States of America, which is clearly coming in second place to Madhya Pradesh in the 'World Championships of Shady Statistics about things that Don't Really Matter'.
Racially motivated attacks against African Americans: The US is becoming a very racist country since Donald Trump became president, and as per this Slate article, over 1,064 racially motivated attacks were registered in one month alone. In Madhya Pradesh, African Americans and Madhya Pradesh locals live harmoniously together. Or they would live harmoniously together had there been any African Americans in Madhya Pradesh. That they don't can hardly be Chouhan's fault.
Sex: In Madhya Pradesh, the 10th Century temple of Khajuraho is decorated with erotic art. Everything from bestiality and animal sex to threesomes and orgies were clearly a part of Madhya Pradesh back when the United States of America was just known as India.
Population density: All that sex could only mean one thing. A rapid increase in population. Madhya Pradesh may be the second largest state in India but it still only measures 308,252 square kilometres. But it packs in an impressive 73 million people in its modest land available. The United States of America — that obnoxiously large grotesque land mass that it is — has only 323 million people living in nine million square kilometres. It's 30 times bigger than Madhya Pradesh, but has only three times the number of people. If Madhya Pradesh were as big as the US is, it would have 2.19 billion people. 2.19 billion cultured people who would take care of their aged parents, at that.
Cricket: The American cricket team is woeful. They wouldn't even be able to beat Pakistan. Or maybe they could. But this is not about Pakistan. This is about Madhya Pradesh, who are in the elite division of the Ranji Trophy. And though they haven't ever won India's premier domestic cricket tournament, they potentially may do so this year. Or the next. But you know who will definitely not win the Ranji Trophy this year? The United States of America. Take that, Trump!
Donald Trump: Speaking of Trump, he is not the president of Madhya Pradesh. But he most certainly is the President of the United States. Big win for Madhya Pradesh, this. Huge!
Cows: In Madhya Pradesh, cows can walk over people. Quite literally. As reported by CNN-News18, every year during Diwali, cows trample upon the citizens of Ujjain and Jhabua villages. It's supposed to bring good luck to people. And what do the godless, culture-less Americans do? They eat these same cows. Shame!
Published Date: Oct 30, 2017 11:01 am | Updated Date: Oct 30, 2017 11:01 am