Firstpost

I called them in together early in the morning. 11 am. Always do that to candidates. It makes them nervous. And make sure they know they are both waiting for the same thing. You can tell them they will both be hired, no problem, but make sure they see each other. That’s the thing to make them nervous. They do it in Iraq. It’s called disorientation but the technical term is Russian Roulette.

Ramesh looked a little like a younger version of the great Hollywood actor Gulshan Grover but with a thin moustache. I immediately took a liking to him because I like Mr Grover’s body of work. Especially in the movie where he was the molester of an Olympic swimmer, played by the very talented actress, Pamela Anderson. In business, this is free association. That’s why when you think of Mumbai developers, you think thieves. Same.

I decided to fuck with Ramesh’s body first. Mostly his tongue. By which, I naturally mean his accent. Swami Vivekananda said if you mess with the body, the mind will follow. I changed the situation a little. In my case, Rashmi would follow.

‘Howdy. I’m Arun Gupta, CEO, 1888 Dial India. Who are you bro?’

‘My name is Ramesh.’

‘Fuck no.’

‘Sorry, sorry, sir, my name is Greg.’

‘And where do you live, Greg?’

‘In Mumbai like you, I…’

‘No bastard…’ I threw a stress ball at him that the guy from Airtel Broadband had given me when he set up the networks. What I was really doing was playing good cop/bad cop. Thing is though, I was both cops.

‘Sir, sorry, sir, I mean I was born in Texas and went to university there.’

‘Where?’

‘University of…Texas.’

‘And what do you do for a living, Greg?’

‘I am a certified healthcare professional trained by the state of Maharashtra.’

‘Phat.’

One word here. Intimidation.

‘Sorry, Pennsylvania, sir.’

‘Nice.’

‘And what makes you happy?’

‘Saving American lives. I like to protect my fellow citizens, sir.’

‘Do you know what this means? Aaj se tum kya ho?’ Never stop with the questions. Layer questions on top of questions without allowing the candidate to answer them. It’s like making a question cake that you can’t eat. My philosophy is that if you can’t eat it, no one should be able to.

‘Aaj se mein Suicide Watch ka employee hoon, sir.’

‘Chut.’

‘Sorry, sir, sorry, aj se mein American hoon.’

‘In English fucker!’

‘From today, I am American.’

‘And remember the company motto?’

‘This is not a call centre. This is a hospital with phone lines instead of beds.’

That was a trick question, as the Americans would say. We officially have no company motto. That’s just a line I wrote and put on the door under the name of the company on an A4 paper. I was going to get a plaque—some call it an insignia—but the bloody thing costs eight thousand rupees. I had to choose between a plaque and phone lines and I went with the phone lines because you need those in a call centre. And already with the shared bathroom fees at the business centre, really high, electricity, stationary, I’m already fucked. But the important thing is that Ramesh read it. Even though I wrote it with a marker and cut it and wrote over it.

‘Excellent. And do you have what it takes to be an American person? What do you have? Tell me…tell me.’

I keep a baseball bat in my office. Most other CEOs keep photos with prime ministers. I don’t. I was hitting Ramesh a little, shouting a little, I’ll admit. Whatever. It’s for character building. They do it in Guantanamo Bay and look at the results.

‘Yes, sir. I have watched Rambo. Means, I can do anything.’

That was a good answer. A go-getter. Someone who goes and gets. I like that.

‘Welcome to the 1888 Dial India team.’

Now, before I interviewed Rashmi, I was pissed off with Ramesh. He took the keys to the bathroom and took almost seven and a half minutes in there. The people from the next cabin, Cairn Energy, could not go. And they had paid for unlimited toilet access. So the business centre said they would charge me extra for five and a half minutes (2 minutes was the free toilet time I had negotiated). I am usually a cool person, both in terms of looks and all that, and also in terms of calm. Yes, you guessed it—I know both meanings of cool. It comes from experience. But this time, I lost it with the second meaning.

What I am trying to say is that I lost it. First, I shouted at him but shouting is never enough. Mamata Banerjee shouts, the people of Times Now shout, but what happens? We go to sleep and wake up the next day totally forgetting about them. So I had to do something more powerful. I took his shoe and I told him that he couldn’t leave till he figured out some way of making it up to me. In business schools they give you case studies; this was somewhat similar.

Also, I understand the importance of drama. I am a keen observer of the movies of Mr Sanjay Leela Bhansali. He has a beard and uses the dramatic in drama. I am clean-shaven and use the dramatic in business situations. Same tool, two results. Wharton calls this double-value creation.

So when Rashmi walked in, I had just finished shouting at Ramesh. I was sitting at my desk, with a shoe in my hand. I told Ramesh to wait in the file cabinet. It must have confused her. Good. She was hoping to say hello but I got up and walked into the file cabinet. One word—improvisation. That’s what I was doing. And I said some gibberish to Ramesh loudly in the cabinet. Now they were both totally confused. Excellent. Two stones, two birds. You know what I mean.

But seriously though, that is the only way to keep employees on their toes. If they don’t know what’s coming next, or what came before or ideally, what’s happening in the present, you’ll get their attention. One is always prepared. That’s how you prepare the next generation. The Japanese auto makers can learn something from me.

This excerpt has been republished from Random Reads, the in-house blog of Random House India.

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