We at Firstpost have been incredibly busy outraging about all the things we deem necessary to outrage about, including outrage itself.
So busy that we forgot all about being human. BEING HUMAN.
No sooner did we utter these words, we heard a collective outcry — from feminists, from pavement dwellers, from chinkaras and a half muffled braying that we later discovered came from Vivek Oberoi. Vivek Oberoi who? The actor from the ‘Oh Janiya Suniyo Re’ song silly, the only 90s ‘hip hop’ hindi song that the cool kids thought was acceptable to dance to.
As journalists, it is our moral obligation to respond to all distress. So we decided to do a completely unauthorised and unofficial exclusive interview with Salman Khan — so exclusive that it might have happened only in our heads.
With the pavements sealed and the animals shoeed away, we welcomed Salman into our office, which we had converted to look like a High Court, in order to put him at ease.
"Where is my usual double black?" an irate Salman asked, as soon as he entered. "This is not the kind of High Court service I am accustomed to. It’s called the HIGH court for a reason now."
Sensing some hostility, we decided to jump right to the matter at hand and asked Salman about his recent acquittal over the black buck poaching case.
Salman: "Honestly, I am outraged at all this nonsense. I passed the buck to my driver didn’t I?”
That was your hit-and-run case Mr Khan, we mumbled. We'll get back to it. We're now talking about the black buck poaching case.
“Oho, I forgot I can’t use my driver as a scapegoat every time,” Salman said.
“All I can say here is, I am innocent," he continued. "If you want proof of what happened that day, here I’ll show you."
While Salman rummaged through his pockets — and the interns ducked under the tables in fear — we waited expectantly.
“You certainly have some deep pockets,” commented our interviewer.
“Yes, well for all my arms, umm... uh... I meant alms. You know I am big on charity," Salman explained, finally retrieving a phone from his pocket.
A classic argument. It was suicide and not murder, is that what you mean? our interviewer asked, when presented with the evidence. Salman nodded solemnly.
With the matter of the chinkara effectively put to rest, just like the chinkara itself (Amen!) we decided to move onto Salman’s other issues.
Us: What about your rape comment? Do you stand by it?
Salman: All these allegations are just baseless. I am being framed. Did you not hear what Rakhi Sawant had to say? My entire statement was fabricated and dubbed. I respect women. In fact my new charity is all about celebrating womanhood. I am calling it Being Gharwali.
There you go again with your blatant sexism. Why just gharwalis? Why not all women?
See now you’re getting technical haan. Call Aamir Khan for all this. I am a simple man. What is the difference? Also now, if I call my charity Being Woman, the word 'woman' has 'man' in it, yes? Then these feminist types will ask me to apologise again. Nahi bhai. Being Gharwali it is.
And have you decided the face of your new charity?
Well, even though I have antagonised half of the industry, they still love me, owing to their deadened nerve cells. I know I can count on my Bollywood divas. And even if I can’t, I can always find younger looking duplicates and make a public display of my unhealthy obsession with women who were smart enough to leave and make successful lives for themselves away from my neurotic behaviour.
Do we finally get a glimpse into bhai’s personal life?
What personal life yaar, all i want is a garam chai ki pyali. Ek garam chai ki pyaali ho, koi usko pilaney wali ho. Oh and of course by chai ki pyaali, I mean my usual double black.
The idea of marriage does sound rather appealing and one day I would like to add family court to the ever-expanding list of all the courts I have visited. My lawyers I’ll tell you are the most excited about my marriage and its subsequent failure!
Well then, what is stopping you?
To be completely honest, my marriage might break my brothers’. My priorities would shift from managing their rations to mine.
Getting back to the legal cases against you, let’s get to the big one, the 2002 hit-and-run case. What really happened that night?
That night I wasn’t even drunk. I mean it’s one thing if I do the crime but to just pin something like that on me, I am not going to take it lying down like a woma… [he trails off].
The point is, if I did do something like that, get blitz drunk out of my mind and then crash my SUV onto a pavement, killing one and injuring three, you think I wouldn’t remember? I am not like my driver, the ungrateful wretch, who very conveniently forgot for the first 12 years of the case that he was the one driving the SUV. I was NOT behind the wheel.
Salman took one look at the picture and said: “Safai dete dete thak gaya hoon yaar!”
Sensing his reluctance, we decided to bring the interview to a close on a happier note.
Well, despite your bad boy image, you still seem to be numero uno amongst the high on protein, low on intelligence, bench pressing youth of the country. How do you feel about that?
Ah well, it’s all god’s grace. To be born into a country that breeds patriarchy and thrives on chauvinism, carefully wrapped and fed to a brawn-made brain-dead audience, in the form of movies where I, just like my mistakes, repeat dialogues, story lines and script...
Well what do I say. Jai Hind would be appropriate I guess.
(This interview, as mentioned earlier, is an exclusive that might have happened, exclusively in our heads. What we mean is, this is a purely fictional piece, so you might as well save yourself all that outrage, put down your phone and call your lawyers later)