Oscars 2018: The best lines from Jimmy Kimmel's opening monologue at Hollywood's big night

At the 90th Academy Awards, second-time host Jimmy Kimmel made a sparkling return with an opening monologue that took potshots at disgraced media mogul Harvey Weinstein. Weinstein wasn’t the only powerful figure Kimmel took down in his speech — the White House’s resident President also came in for a jab or two. [caption id=“attachment_4376217” align=“alignnone” width=“825”]  Jimmy Kimmel at the 90th Academy Awards. His Oscars opening monologue took on Weinstein, Hollywood itself, and even the White House.[/caption] Kimmel began by jibing about the big Best Picture gaffe that marred the 2017 Oscars — when La La Land was mistakenly announced as the winner over Moonlight, because of a gaffe by Academy Awards accountants Price Waterhouse Cooper — when he said: “Last year, about a week before the show the producers asked me if I wanted to do some comedy with the accountants and I said ‘No, I don’t want to do comedy with the accountants.’ So then the accountants went ahead and did comedy on their own.” He also advised all winners of the night, to “wait for a few minutes” if their names were announced as “we don’t want another ’thing’”, prompting Jennifer Lawrence to laugh out loud at her friend and La La Land lead actress Emma Stone.

What are BFFs for if not to laugh at your movie's Best Picture flub forever? #Oscars #ETOscars pic.twitter.com/jJso4WpKBg

— Entertainment Tonight (@etnow) March 5, 2018

Kimmel’s speech didn’t spare Hollywood its idiosyncrasies. Among his best quips of the night were: “Black Panther has been so successful at the box office they’re already saying it’s the favourite to not get nominated for anything next year.” “Congratulations Guillermo del Toro. You made a beautiful movie and thanks to Guillermo we will always remember this year as the year men screwed up so badly, women started dating fish.” “We don’t make films like Call Me By Your Name for money. We make them to upset Mike Pence.” “Here’s how clueless Hollywood is about women. We made a movie called What Women Want and it starred Mel Gibson.” He also brought up the Academy’s attempts, in its 90th year, to be more egalitarian by pointing out about the Oscar: “Oscar is the most beloved and respected man in Hollywood. And there’s a very good reason why. Look at him. He keeps his hands where you can see them. Never says a rude word. And most importantly, he has no penis. He is literally a statue of limitations.” Kimmel went on to applaud the Academy’s action in expelling Harvey Weinstein. However, he pointed out that Weinstein wasn’t the first member to be expelled — that ‘honour’ went to TV and film actor Carmine Caridi. Caridi was expelled for illegally leaking copies of movies, and Kimmel joked: “So Carmine Caridi got the same punishment as Harvey Weinstein — for sharing a copy of Seabiscuit with his neighbour on VHS!” He added that it was great Hollywood was dealing with its problem as this meant “women will only have to face harassment at every other place they go”. Kimmel also offered a funny take on the Michelle Williams-Mark Wahlberg pay gap controversy while filming All The Money In The World. Briefly going over the details of the incident and pointing out that Wahlberg and Williams had the same agent, Kimmel said: “This really shook me. If we can’t trust agents, who can we trust?” And then there was this gag, when announcing the nominees for the Best Documentary Film: “If the last two years have taught us anything, it’s that reality can be… depressing. But tonight’s nominated documentaries show us that where there is darkness, there is also hope. Except at the White House. Hope quit on Wednesday.” It wasn’t all fun and games though, as Kimmel exhorted all presenters and winners to speak on stage about the causes that were closest to their hearts, while also shouting out a message of support for the students of the Parkland school shooting. He did ask all speeches to be kept short, however, promising a jet ski to whoever delivered the shortest one.

We ❤️ Helen Mirren! #Oscars #jetski pic.twitter.com/Y90t8hAbxO

— Jimmy Kimmel Live (@JimmyKimmelLive) March 5, 2018

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