Justice League review? Well, we wouldn't call it a review, but then it's about a review... and then, maybe not

FP Special Forces

Nov,17 2017 13:55 35 IST

The much-awaited (or not; honestly, it doesn't matter, because it's just a tried and tested way to start an article) DC Extended Universe film Justice League hit cinemas across the world today. Will it be the vindication for which the DC faithful have long been waiting — particularly after the disappointment that was Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice and the massacre of brain cells that was Suicide Squad? Or will it add further credibility to the belief that the DCEU is incapable of making ensemble films and should stick to standalones along the lines of Wonder Woman?

Spoiler alert: We don't know.

But here, at FP Special Forces, what we know is of less consequence than what we want people to know. Actually, scratch that. What we know is of less consequence than what we demand people simply must know. With that in mind, we located someone with a similar way of thinking, someone who espouses the very same ideology we do, and someone who is an upstanding representative of one of the most vibrant and exciting set of reviewers out there: A real man's man, in other words. And FP Special Forces' very own pop culture correspondent — who also doubles as our animal husbandry correspondent — was on hand to conduct a detailed, honest and freewheeling (another tried and tested way to kickoff an interview transcript) chat with said real man's man.

Unedited, unadulterated and unabashedly unaltered full text of an interview we're assured took place, follows:

A Justice League poster, presumably. See? It's got all the characters there.

A Justice League poster, presumably. See? It's got all the characters there.

Hello.
Yes <spits angrily>, what do you want?

We'd like to get your thoughts on Justice League. Primarily, whether or not you liked it.
Okay, but I'm not sure your tiny little conformist minds can handle the wisdom I'm about to shine upon you. Can they?

Can they what?
You see what I mean? YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?

Not really, but carry on.
<growls> Fine! So this so-called Justice League film. It's just a disaster. A complete and utter disaster. I don't even know what the point of it was. What was the need to make another comic book film? Aren't there enough out there already? It just infuriates me that filmmakers think they can try to make a mockery of us by putting out such twaddle.

Interesting. And what was it that you found most egregious about Justice League?
What did I find most egregious? Everything between the start and finish <laughs mirthfully> Where do I begin? Oh, for starters the story and character development is generic and very poorly executed. The gullible movie-going audiences were promised The Magnificent Seven meets Little Miss Sunshine with a generous dollop of Baby's Day Out. Instead what they got was a Pan's Labyrinth meets Seven Samurai and together they give birth to an ugly illegitimate Spy Kids 3D-like offspring.

Wait, so is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Of course it's a bad thing! <gnashes his teeth> But that's okay, It would have been fine had the story not just been a half-baked hodge-podge of clichéd tropes and narratives force-fitted into a loose and witless set of unrelated arcs. Also, the overuse of the colour dark purple. That really made me want to throw my popcorn at the screen.

We never took you for someone with an appreciation for popcorn, but what's wrong with purple?
I love popcorn! Never let anyone tell you otherwise because if someone does, just know he/she is a godless liar! And what do you mean, 'What's wrong with purple?'. I don't think the cinematographer thought through the colour palette. The purple is just too overpowering and takes away from the experience and every time that damn colour popped up on screen, I felt like I was being thrown out of the experience.

I feel we're finally getting somewhere, but I'm not sure where.
Look, it was not the Justice League film I expected to see. And that smug Ben Affleck should never even have been cast as Batman. You see, it's because of Affleck that they didn't have Robin in this one. I've read five DC comics, so I know these things okay?

But Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms though. Anyway, what's wrong with Affleck?
He's smug and makes a lot of money and I hate him. Anyone could have done a better job than him. Just look at him! Standing there, being all Affleck. It's terrible.

Right, what film did you want to see?
It might be too difficult for you to comprehend so I'll try and keep this as simple as I can. What I was expecting was a film that was thrilling, suspenseful, gripping and high-octane in equal measure. Basically, a crackerjack thrillride. Also, I'm appalled that the film was so dismissive of climate change. Voices are being silenced by the privileged and moneyed sections of society and this film buys right into it. What they should have done was focus on climate change and make it a thrillride that's fun for all the family.

But, this isn't a film about climate change. Isn't this criticism a bit like expressing anger at X-Men: Apocalypse for not taking a strong position on animal rights? 
That's just naive climate change denial behaviour. Everything is about climate change and if it's not, it has to be. And come on! This is DC and the members of the Justice League, not Rogers and Hammerstein, and the von Trapp family, for God's sake. So where was the gore, the brutality and the nudity?

You said you wanted a film that was 'fun for all the family' and now, you want nudity?
I can want a lot of things.

Of course. What about the musical score? Surely, that wasn't so bad right?
I was so close to vomiting my disgust out through my eyes that I put on my headphones and was listening to some Boo-Yaa T.R.I.B.E. on my Walkman to keep my sanity. Any music that isn't Boo-Yaa T.R.I.B.E. isn't worth the sheets on which its written and any musical format that isn't cassette must be burnt <grinds teeth in disgust>.

Right. One last thing, we assume you've got an opinion on the film's post-credits sequence?
Why would I do that? I didn't even watch the stupid film, so why would I watch the end-credits?

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Published Date: Nov 17, 2017 13:55 PM | Updated Date: Nov 17, 2017 15:20 PM