RSS reveals secret to reducing crime and reforming convicts, and yes, it's to do with cows

The solution to India’s crime problem is here. Well, actually, it is has always been here. We just haven’t been paying attention. What is it, you ask? It is … wait for it … cow’s milk. According to a report in the Economic Times, the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh has plans to build about 120 cow shelters across India because the RSS wants to bring the cow “closer to the people” but also because will help “reduce crime and reform convicts”. [caption id=“attachment_2211476” align=“alignleft” width=“380”]  The cow isn’t just holy, it will save your soul too. Reuters[/caption] That’s right. Having a tall glass of cold cow’s milk in the morning isn’t just for growing kids (full disclosure: I used to drink three glasses a day as a child). If you give prisoners a glass of the good stuff, he (or she) will realise the error of his (or her) ways and transform into a model citizen. There is a small catch, though. Not any cow will do. “For a crime-free Bharat, it is necessary that our children drink only Indian cow’s milk because it makes them saatvik (virtuous),” Shankar Lal, president of the Akhil Bharatiya Gau Sewa, an RSS affiliate, said. “By drinking the milk of Jersey cows and buffaloes, their minds get harmful ideas, which make them criminals.“ In other words: Indian cows good; foreign cows bad. This will ensure that Indians cows thrive in India while those pesky foreign cows are sent packing back to the countries from whence they came. The benefits to the nation from this cow therapy could be immense. For one, it could also allow India to eliminate its prisons. When a criminal is convicted, we can simply sentence them to practice cow husbandry and make them drink the optimum number of glasses of milk a day to bring harmony to mind and body. Those already in prison can be let out in phases after going through their own course of cow treatment. Over time, there will be no more murder, theft or rape. Women will finally be able to wander freely at any time of day or night without worrying about their personal safety. Bars can be kept open all night because police won’t be worried about drunk people causing trouble. We might not even need the police at all because there will no one to police. Doing away with prisons and the police force would then free up an enormous amount of resources - land as well as money - that could be used to build even more gaushalas, thereby ensuring the safety and sanctity of everyone in India. One person, one cow become a reality. What about those who visit India from elsewhere? Simple. They can be made to drink a glass or two of milk at customs to ensure they are on their best behaviour in our country. No milk, no visa. The report claims that 100 sites in West Bengal, Gujarat, Madhya Pradesh and Rajasthan have already been identified, so we should start seeing results soon. All this time we thought cow’s milk was just good source of nutrition, especially for children. Turns out it wasn’t just building our bodies, it was saving our souls too.