As six packs have begun to take centre stage on our movie screens, I’ve heard that men have started to complain about the fact that they’re being objectified by women. Women are beginning to treat men like objects. Whereas in the past you could argue that they sometimes treated objects like men (although I’ve never seen a man who can vibrate at multiple speeds).
Frankly, I don’t see what the fuss is all about. Men have been subjecting women to such objectification for a long time and it’s about time we understood what it feels like to be viewed as a piece of meat (censors please note I’m not referring to the meat of any specific animal but just meat in general).
I personally know what is like to be at the receiving end of this. Over the last year I’ve been touring a new show called Naked. During this show, I take my clothes off one at a time until I’m down to my boxers. I have to admit that during that period while men did manage to briefly convince the world that a ‘dad-bod’ was cool, I didn’t buy into the pitch and did feel a little social pressure to reduce the Indian man’s genetic Achilles’ stomach. So I joined a gym and after a year of highly irregular working out and hours of sucking my stomach in on stage, I can proudly state that after 50 shows in front of over 10,000 people, a sum total of four women have complimented me on my body. Also each time the compliment has been the same — “Nice feet”! Rest assured I will not be renewing my gym membership and shall let someone else work out while they pedicure my feet instead.
That being said, in spite of not having a body worth ogling at, I have had my moments. In Chennai, a supposedly conservative city, while I was in just my boxers, a woman in the audience who I’m guessing was in her mid-40s, spanked my ass really hard. And a few minutes after that, she walked out of the auditorium. I was most upset that after she had her way with me didn’t even have the decency to stay till the end of the show. It made me understand how some women might feel when men don’t cuddle after sex. I felt used. However, 10 minutes after that, she returned to her seat. Since the show was almost wrapping up, I didn’t ask her to clear my confusion at the time.
I did happen to bump into her at a bar afterwards and I asked her what happened. To which she replied, “I was laughing so hard, my eyes were wet. And then I spanked your ass so hard, my contact lenses fell out. So I had to go out to wash them and come back.”
What I suppose I’m trying to say to my fellow men is this — You can spend a year in a gym making all the effort you like, pruning yourself till kingdom come and you may get no appreciation at all. And then one day when you’re least expecting it, a woman may spank your arse so hard that her eyes will fall out! So you might as well not succumb to the beauty standards imposed on you by half naked actors on the big screen and just be yourself. In due course, if you’re lucky, a special someone will love you and pop their eyes out just for you.
Oh and just FYI, I hear I’m a 7. And I have nice feet.
Papa CJ is a leading stand-up comdian. Follow him on www.papacj.com or www.facebook.com/comedianpapacj. He tweets and Instagrams as @papacj