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Why the Will-Kate royal pregnancy is a big yawn

Kate and William have always got the short end of the royal stick. Harry gets to romp around nude and sleep with as many women as he wants, and nary an eyebrow is raised. But then that’s the advantage of being the spare and not the heir. Poor Kate and William must walk the straight and narrow, and force themselves to be as vanilla as possible. Give or take a little topless sunbathing. And it seems the coming of the little royal is going to be as vanilla as his parent’s forced fuddy-duddy lifestyle.

If only Kate and William were just our run-of-the-mill celebrities instead of being the blue-blooded variety they could have made having a baby all scandal and gossip and subterfuge and drama. Here’s some of the fun they could have indulged in, if only they’d been born on the wrong side of the St James’ Park.

No time to get pregnant? Get a surrogate

In the world of non-blue blooded celebs, it matters not if your boys are not swimming upstream when you want them to. Or if the missus has a hostile environment for your boys. Or you just don’t have the time in your busy career. There’s really no need to do things the au naturale way. And if adoption is out of the question because you need a mini-me, you can take a feather out of Aamir Khan’s hat and find yourselves a surrogate.
An Indian one obviously since she won’t be too expensive and they could also feel like they’re doing some charity work. Giving back to the colonised. They could hide rent-a-womb away somewhere for nine months, announce that they’re having a baby towards the end of the 9 months, and suddenly troop out in front of the cameras with their newly minted baby. And to seal the deal, they could always send her a fat cheque or a slice of Scotland to the surrogate to ensure her shadow never falls on the KensingtonPalace doorstep.

William and Kate. AP

William and Kate. AP

Widen their horizons – adopt

Now since Kate and Will are phoren, I can recommend this. No Indian celebrity couple would do this, because they’d rather have a seizure and live the life of a vegetable. Because how could they open their homes and wills to someone who doesn’t have their pure-as-dew blood running through his veins? But since our royals are from phoren shores and are of slightly more evolved mind – they could have got themselves a baby from a third-world country a la Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie/ Mia Farrow. It would be advisable to adopt a child who looks totally different from the rest of the family – including the ugly princesses. That way, they won’t need to keep pointing out the adopted one to photographers. After all, what’s the point of adopting a child from some poor downtrodden nation, if you can’t get some publicity out of it?

Go belly up

Aah, who doesn’t want to see a naked celebrity in all her pregnant glory on a magazine cover? Demi Moore was one of the pioneers of this movement, while our very own Konkona struck a more demure pose with her bared belly but covered breasts. Poor Kate can’t do this, because well, the future queen of England just cannot. She’s anyway been pilloried for being too thin. So this is best left to our red-blooded celebs.

Hang out with some millionaire sperm

If Kate hadn’t got herself a bonafide Prince Charming, she could have got herself a little millionaire baby. There are a dime a dozen billionaires and millionaires and heirs to conglomerates romping around the world. And there are many buccaneering women who’ve shown us the way. From Padma Lakshmi with her Dell tyke, to Elizabeth Hurley and Steve Bing, to Scary Spice and Eddie Murphy. Any aspiring millionaire sperm-lover can follow in their footsteps. Of course you need to be prepared for a prolonged court battle of DNA-matches, paternity suits et al. But the publicity is well worth the effort, not to forget the platinum spoon which we call a retirement plan, which soon comes the tykes and mummy’s way.

Just disappear

For the less royal celebs amongst us, there are two options. If you’re lucky enough, then migrate to another country for 6 years at least.  Get pregnant, have baby, get plastic surgery - a little tummy tuck never hurt anyone - then return looking fresh as day. Don’t forget to feed the grist mills with stories of your domestic bliss and how you love vacuuming a la Madam Dixit. And how it’s the best exercise ever. One which dissolves your double chin and double tummy.

And if you’re not that lucky, just go into hiding as you get pregnant. No need for fresh air or to bother working, what’s important is that you never get photographed with your protruding belly. Our desi celebs have mastered this – whether it be Shilpa Shetty or Kajol. So learn from them, wait till you’ve whelped, give it another 6 to 9 months and then suddenly return with a slimmer nose, thighs and body. Going by how much slimmer all these new mothers look than they ever did, childbirth might just be the new Atkin’s diet.

Scar your child with a name from hell

Now when you’re a royal, you have no choice but to stick to a boring name like Thomas or Ann. But if Kate wasn’t one, she could have scoured the books and the internet and found herself the most bizarre name in town. Called her offspring Beowulf or Hermione or Indonesia. Or gone for a fruit like Gwyneth Paltrow and named her child Apple or Kiwi. Or Fifi Trixibele like Bob Geldof’s daughter. Or gotten inspired by Frank Zapa’s kids’ names - Moon Unit and Diva Thin Muffin.

Then just to make sure the little tot can’t change his or her name once he realises how his parents have tried to bugger his life, you have to get your kids’ name tattooed on your arm.

Being a celeb and having a kid can be so much fun. You just make up the rules as you go along. Not for Kate and Will though, who have the Lord God and the Queen Ma’am keeping a watchful eye on them. It’s all one big boring yawn fest.

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