Editor's note: This report comes to you from the entirely imaginary Khamba News Service. It is meant as satire.
Karachi: Celebrations broke out on the streets of Karachi after Wasim Akram announced that he was going to marry his Australian girlfriend whose name people don’t really care about. Akram, considered the world’s most successful diabetic, is being hailed as having imported Pakistan’s most valuable asset since North Korea’s nuclear missile designs.
Previously, Akram was rumoured to be planting his yorker inside Sushmita Sen, but he rubbished this alleged affair with the Indian ex-Miss Universe. “Look, all these reports tying me to Sushmita are totally baseless. Shoaib Malik already married Sania Mirza and bought her home and the last thing I want is people comparing a legend like me to a failure like him. The only Indian I would have considered marrying is Ravi Shastri,” said Akram.
The legendary left-arm seamer is said to have gone down on one knee and proposed to his girlfriend in a living room, unlike conventional Pakistani proposals which include threatening to blow oneself up, the girl finding out she is already married to an uncle from her parents and last but not least, being kidnapped by members of the MQM in a Maruti Omni. Sources indicate that Akram’s extended friends and family are also very happy with the match saying they would now not have to go to Thailand to get pictures taken with hot white chicks. One of them (name withheld) further added, “Aunty kya ekdum bhaari mast maal lagti hain. Bilkul jhakaas”.
Akram and his fiancée – whose name we still don’t care about – are said to have met in Melbourne in 2011, where she instantly took a liking to him for being a South Asian who didn’t drive a taxi. Akram was supposedly bowled over by her cricketing knowledge, especially when she compared Kamran Akmal’s teeth to rafts that could have helped saved some people on the Titanic.
Wasim Akram joins a long line of Pakistani cricketers who have had successful relationships with outsiders. This includes Imran Khan and his ex-wife Jemima, Mohammad Asif with Mazhar Majeed and Shoaib Akhtar with genital warts. Sources say that the only thing left for Akram to do now is float his own political party and lose an election to Nawaz Sharif. His fiancée is also said to be an adventure lover, and the couple is expected to visit Kashmir for their honeymoon after crawling underneath barbed wire in the middle of the night. The Pakistani government for fear of creating an international incident vetoed their original plan of visiting Mumbai by boat.
Akram’s long time bowling partner Waqar Younis, who has been compared to Akram throughout his career, has also been put under pressure to find an Australian wife. He was last spotted on the sets of Masterchef Australia hoping to emotionally manipulate one of the female contestants into marrying him just after being eliminated.