It is half time in a series which seems like it will never end, and Team India has taken to some self-introspection in long-ish lulls in-between defeats. Our source Down Under, who has been following the boys and befriending the housekeeping staff at the hotels they’re staying in, has revealed to us these sensational scribblings left by players in hotel memo pads. And so committed is our source to the memogate scandal, he’s also asked the two Singhs – Harbhajan and Yuvraj, currently not on tour, to write in, and they’ve happily obliged.
However, unlike the memogate in Pakistan which threatened to unsettle the establishment, this memogate is not predicted to unsettle anything apart from N Srinivasan’s stomach.
Dear memo pad, well of course, it’s me again! You may be wondering why the sudden affinity towards you but c’mon yaar, understand no? There were EIGHT whole spare days between the third and fourth Tests and besides, I’m not even playing this one because of being fined for slow over rate. Funny how cranky they can get about thodey minute idhar-udhar when we’ve saved them two days nearly every Test match. Besides, I could’ve made a quick trip to India, got a haircut, signed some deals and even participated in a local tournament in this break.
Anyway, toh I’m stuck in the dressing room (watching Indian news channels now!) as after the go-karting episode, I don’t want to be spotted doing leisurely activities. The batsmen are giving me good company here, not spending too much time on the field.
*Sigh* This tour’s been so tough, I felt like writing to my folks back home once again but realised my feelings aren’t too different than when I’d written during the England tour.
By the way, thoda drama happened the other day when I told the media I might retire from Tests by next year. Actually, I’d said that just to divert everyone’s attention from our performance flaws but then that Salman Rushdie episode happened and now I hear SRK has slapped some film maker. Phew, I’ve never felt like a bigger fan of SRK and Salman! (Psst: my real plan is to retire from ‘overseas’ Tests, soon.)
Anyway, got to go. There is this headline going ‘sharam ki parade’ on some channel and the boys are predicting what the next one will be. Fun!
Nope, not even today. Got out to some yedya new bowler called Lyon who’s worse than those Harris Shield-playing 14-year-olds who bowl to me at Wankhede’s nets. This 100th century is getting so out of reach, I’ve partly started to believe India TV’s theory that there is a ‘chemical locha’ inside my head. But sweet how these Aussies give me standing ovations each time I walk out to bat. Desperate to get one when I walk back after getting out too.
Anyway, strategy time now. We’re planning how not to let this yedya, a spinner, get a five-wicket haul against us masters of spin.
I did it! Today while getting out (yes I know this is sounding like a routine chore like having a bath) I heard the bowler shout out and fielders jump around and looked back to see my stumps INTACT! I’d been caught at Point! What a smart, solid, cover drive-y way to get out… finally! I almost felt like raising my bat on my way back. Truly, this small joy of this tour (we’re all surviving on them now) will be a slap on the faces of all those who’ve been tormenting me with those ‘Oh, the Wall now has a gate!’ jokes. Hmph!
Damn these journalists. Was drinking with the boys the other night after the 4-0 defeat when Virat made me have one single malt too many and I announced, “So while on this career ‘high’, I should retire da!” Some jurno overheard it and it’s now all over. Argh! But hey, the collective surprise of my fans felt so good, I’m planning to get a genuine high next overseas Test tour (er, 2013-14, South Africa. That’s if ‘overseas tours’ aren’t banned by the Board by then) and call it quits for real.
Will work on bolting this bloody ‘gate’ till then.
Amriki doctor today said I should get well soon. But seems like I’ll miss the IPL this year. Par Waheguru di kasam, finally everyone will believe I’m actually unfit.
ROFL Ban****! Third day of making fun of the squad and I’m still not getting bored! LOLz! By God, that century in the last match couldn’t have come at a better time! So what if they gave me 37 chances to do it but I finally proved that I’m the future yo \m/! Bwahaha M**##$@#$#! Arre, you should’ve seen that Rohit Sharma’s face.. he totally went into ‘Vijay Dinanath Chauhan’ mode after I told him, ‘Koi baat nahin, jab main captain banunga, tujhe zaroor pick karunga ban****!!!’ LOLOLzz!
Chalo, practice now. All this Test-west type games are thankfully over. Now I must work hard and not disappoint those who’ve recognised me as a true T20 player. Game day after ban****!
Hahahaha! Ashwin 0 wickets for 157 runs! HAHAHAHA! (Par saala batting acchi kar leta hai.)
Bowling bhi buri nahi hai. Haha.. but who’d care about some ‘carrom ball’ jab I have off-spinners and doosras! Anyway, finalised a deal with a TV channel today for a wrestling show. No-no, not another career option yaara. Yeh toh bas..
Press conference mein toh phaad-phaad bolta hai. By God di kasam, yeh Ashwin all-rounder nikla. Par koi na diary, I’ve made friends with some wrestlers (arre, woh TV show wale), one of whom is going to meet Ashwin and give him a ‘friendly’ handshake soon. Once that’s done, I’ll be back in business.
Waheguru ji di fateh! (Bye now, shoot on.)