New Delhi: Locals were left fuming as racist white trash targetted Nina Davuluri after her victory in the Miss America pageant. Originally hailing from a country called South India, Davuluri beat out a hakka noodle to win 50,000 dollars that she will predictably use to study medicine. Her victory sparked a huge outcry in the United States of America with many calling her an Arab, a slap on the face of 9/11 victims and most importantly, a death knell to Freida Pinto’s career.
Indian racists however were not so pleased. Jasmeet, a call centre employee said, “I am shocked at the racist comments made by crackers against this madrasi. Miss America stands for noble things like the extreme sexualisation and dehumanization of women’s bodies to satisfy the male gaze, and this attack on Asin should not be allowed to take away from their success. Everyone knows the only time you see Arab women surrounded by so many men is at football stadiums for a stoning. All Shruti Hassan wants to do is study so that she can save herself for a few years before getting into an arranged marriage with virgin software engineer on H1B visa at Google. If she doesn’t become a nurse, who will save poor negro crack cocaine addicts who come to the emergency room after being shot in a drive-by by a rival gang?”
Americans were also incensed at Davuluri beating the long-standing favourite and the first pageant contestant in history to openly sport tattoos, Miss Kansas. She was blown away in the talent round when Davuluri performed a classical Indian and Bollywood dance “fusion”– code for I’m not good enough at either of these individually to win anything. Rahul, a social media racist had this to say: “These burger-munching, Coke-drinking, gun-slinging, sex-having, drone-strike-launching honkys only wanted Miss Kansas to win because she was white and had tattoos. Firstly, everyone knows Dairy Milk is better than Milkybar and second even my local milkman who sold all his land to get beaten up by political parties in Mumbai has a henna tattoo of his name on his forearm. Does that mean he wins Mr Patna? Rubbish.”
Many Indians pushed back against the claim that Davuluri was too dark to ever win an Indian beauty pageant. They cited the success of Sreesanth who is fourth on the human evolutionary chart and allowing a metrosexual alien in the form of Karan Thapar to wear a bow tie on television as proof of India’s inclusive nature. Secretly, however, many women also admitted that despite Davuluri’s qualifications, they would budget a lot for turmeric and yoghurt pastes before considering giving their sons' hand to her in a fictional marriage.
While the Miss America pageant provided an opportunity to racists on both sides to come together and flex their extremist muscle, the bigger success lies in India having a new poster girl for cultural appropriation. News media editors are already celebrating not having to pretend Norah Jones is Indian or doing stories on Sunita Williams carrying samosas into space. That is until the next American elections, when we start calling Bobby Jindal the conservative Rahul Gandhi.