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Five steps to becoming a successful spot-fixer!

I’m neither Chetan Bhagat, nor am I Hansie Cronje, but here’s my five-point plan on how to be a successful spot-fixer and not get caught.

1. Communication is key.  What is with this Chandila and Chawan? Who discusses which ball you’re going to drop over the hotel phone? Buy an iPhone and Face Time with each other.

Not only will nobody be able to track your scheming conversations, you’ll also get to see each other’s cheating faces. It’s also way more cosy than those strange stilted chats. Did Rajat Gupta and Rajaratnam not teach you anything? Oh sorry, to learn anything from them you’d need to read the newspapers and do something beyond throwing lavish parties.

Sreesanth and his cronies' spot-fixing modus operandi leaves a lot to be desired! AFP

Sreesanth and his cronies' spot-fixing modus operandi leaves a lot to be desired! AFP

2. Diaries are a no-no.  If you must record what payments are going to come your way and keep accounts, must you use a diary? That too, one with bilingual entries. Get with the times. Start a fake Gmail id. With that id, create a Google doc. Use these Google docs to tabulate and record your earnings. Basically, keep it simple because you’re stupid.

3. What kind of idiot deposits money from illegal transactions in his bank? Frankly, if you do that you should be jailed. For being an imbecile.  Instead, use the cash – since it’s hardly a fortune by cricketing standards or even by Delhi-standards – to make ticket/hotel/clothes purchases. Spend the cash, you fool. Don’t collect it for a rainy day.

And definitely don’t collect it in your own bank account. Or ask for payment in cash. Maybe a gold brick? It is Sunil Dubai after all. His bathroom must be lined with gold bricks. Or tell them to send diamond earrings for your mum.  Nothing says "I care" as much as gifts from the Dubai underworld. Be creative. It’s not that difficult.

4. Don’t forget to signal the bookie. Now this is of key importance. Even if your IQ is 25 or running in single figures, signal your bookie that you’re going to drop that over. What’s the point of giving 14 runs on an over, if no one pays you for it?  And forget no one paying for it, because you’re a super imbecile and have struck an idiot deal, you end up paying the bookie. Doesn’t that just make you feel like an arse? Do you really want someone called Sunil Dubai to be mocking you at his next spot-fixer’s reunion party? The answer is, no. So keep a beeper on your watch which reminds ye-of-little-brain of the fact that big brother is watching and you have to twist that wristband now.

5. Grow some balls. At least hold your own for more than 30 minutes before singing like a canary. Nobody likes a crook who gives up so easily. And keep in mind, this is the Delhi police. Not known for their great investigative skills.

Sulking, bawling and then spilling the beans are recipes for disaster. Not only is your cricketing career over, you’re not going to win any brownie points with your fixer friends.

Take a leaf out of Monica Bedi’s book. She stuck to her guns and kept repeating that she didn’t know anything about Abu Salem’s dealings. If you do that, even you’ll get to dance in Nach Baliye. Nobody likes a crybaby. Really.